or jurassic park. or that tv show from the late 80s/early 90s where the family was time warped into prehistoric times every episode. y'all know what i'm talking about. anyway, that's where i feel like i've been living because i have been battling massive bugs lately. kristen and i hike at greenbelt and they grow a particular breed of flies out there that could take your arm off if they breeze past you. my brother called them elephant flies and it was a pretty apt description. not only are they huge and constantly flying around my head and impeding my limited grace even further, but they also bite. i swear one bit me today and i thought i got stung by a bee. and yes, those suckers are immune to bug spray because i load up on that stuff like it's crack every day. a side note, it appears that i might be immune to poison ivy so i guess the score is martha - 1, nature - 1. i'm sure nature will easily surpass me next week when i go MIA in the mountains for 9 days.
but anway, back to the insects. i have also come to the conclusion that there is a very tricky and powerful spider ambushing me in my bed each night. a week ago i woke up with a bite on my hip that had not been there the night before. this week, i could clearly see fang marks on the bite. kristen laughed at me when i said that. i, on the other hand, do not think that vampirous night spiders are a laughing matter.
i think i may have lost part of my soul. for the last 10 months i've spent my days listening to other people's personal tragedies and in turn, i think i've forgotten how to deal with the bad stuff in my life. or maybe i've just altered how i deal with it. either way, martha no like. last night my mom told me that the doctor's confirmed that my grandmother is in the early stages of dementia. she started crying into the phone, rightfully so, and what did i do in response? i turned on my business voice and plowed right on telling her that they found out early and now we'd just have to make plans to deal with it. i've always been my mom's empathetic child, but i've become so conditioned to respond to tears with a straight face and a solid voice at my job. of course i'm upset about what's going on, but it seems like i don't know how to show it anymore.
i went through this same no feelings phase a few months ago and somehow i got over it. i shouldn't say no feelings though, mostly just no sad feelings. i'm happy pretty much all the time. but yeah, back to the point. part of it stems from not talking about the specifics of my job. a while ago i realized it didn't do anybody any good to talk about the cases i hear. who wants to talk to the girl with the severely screwed up and depressing stories all the time? certainly not me. i'm hoping it will just slowly fade away once i'm done with my job. that and when i go to the mountains and become one with the earth. at least that's what we say in austin.
my last day at work is next friday. i was going to work the first week in august, and then i realized, hey, i don't need that money since my new job will pay me the big bucks at the end of august. (sad that i see teaching as a pay increase.) aaaaaaand i freaking hate my job. so i changed my end date today and i am thrilled. i only have to work one more saturday. the saturday after that i'll be flying to new mexico to join my family for a week of camping. yes. YES. 8 days.
today we had a unit meeting at work. i was in the car with some of my coworkers on the way to our lunch place and we were telling stories about calls we've had. one of the ladies mentioned something about a rat's nest in a woman's hair. just as i was about to make a joke concerning the size of the actual rats living in the nest, one of my coworkers SERIOUSLY said, "i'm sure that they don't mean there's literally a rat's nest in her hair. maybe mice, but it couldn't be rats. they're too big." she was not joking. for a split second i had this urge to open the door and tuck and roll onto I35. thankfully it subsided and i simply rolled my eyes and (internally) sighed. 8 days.
if you know me well, then you know that there are few things that gross me out as much as a public bathroom. some of those things would be: people sitting on a toilet in a public bathroom talking on their cell phones, a public bathroom that smells like a newly made BM and/or seeing a woman carry baby wipes and air freshener into a public bathroom. vomit. in my mouth. i have experienced all of those at my current job. 8 days.
i am tired of hearing about sexual abuse. 8 days.
outside of work i've had a fun time. i broke the mahan curse on thursday and actually said no to an organization. my parents have struggled with that ability for yeeeeears and always get suckered into running things. my community building team asked me to step up into a leadership position instead of just being a member. while i was very flattered that they asked, i politely declined. the committee is going to be in charge of the agenda of issues that my church is going to tackle over the next few years (local, community, educational, legislative action) and it would've been a big task. i, on the other hand, will spend the next year consumed by 12 year old gang members and struggling youth and teaching them how to read the word "five." it's one job that i can't and won't half-ass.
the family came this weekend and as predicted we had an eventful weekend (except for the bat fiasco). one step closer to getting them all down here for good...
i saw bird watchers on my hike/run today and thought of jen. i miss you and hope all of the changes are working out in san fran. i saw diane's doctor pictures and realized, holy crap, diane's a doctor and fixes babies. i miss you and hope the medicine and houston are treating you well. both made me miss sitting on the balconey with you guys, drinking red stripe and complaining about men. oh the memories.
i'm getting closer to total happiness every day....8 days...
for one reason or another i have been in hyper-analytical mode this week. a pretty broad spectrum of ideas has been occupying my thoughts, and while i will not share all of them (some level of privacy is good for me, yes?), i will discuss a few.
in the past 6 months or so, my maternal grandmother has changed significantly. i'd been very fortunate up until now that all four of my grandparents have been active, independent people. but grandma has been showing some signs of mental deterioration and they've been coming fast. she has a neurology appointment this month so we'll know more then. but anyway, it's been scary for a few reasons. 1. my drug-addicted uncle and his drug-addicted friend live with my grandparents. this makes me worry about grandma and grandpa's safety in that house more than ever. 2. half of my time at work is spent talking to or about the elderly. i've heard the horrible things that can happen to them, even with loving families supporting them, if they have some kind of mental breakdown. 3. i'm terrified that she will no longer be the tiny, sweet, loving woman that i know if, God forbid, she is showing signs of alzheimer's. 4. i don't want to see the same thing happen to my mother, or, and this is so selfish, myself. i just think it's such a horrible way to spend your final years. blah. isn't my eloquence amazing?
on a more random note, i filled out a survey the other day and discovered that i had moved up a box. i'm now in the 25-34 category. this, in turn, has made me think about being an adult. i think that previously i may have talked about all of my progression and subsequent regression (moving back in with mom and dad after college) in my journey to adulthood. i feel like this coming school year will be really good for me in the growing up factor. there's a lot of stuff that i think i've felt i will change once i'm in a relationship or married. i think that subconsciously i think of that (i.e. relationship martha) as what my grown up life will be. well, guess what. doesn't seem like my relationship status is changing anytime soon, so why don't i just go ahead and fix things for me? that's a novel idea.
i put in my three weeks' notice today at work. it felt WONDERFUL. what will feel 5 billion times better is writing out my letter that lists all the things that are effed up with my working environment. that one i'm saving for my last day.
i have been dreaming about school and having kiddos again NONSTOP. i cannot wait to bury myself in that job. i read some of my old blog entries from when i first started teaching and it made me laugh (and cry). i'd forgotten how frustrating the beginning of the year was, largely due to my naivete. prepare yourself for more of my emotional rants and hilarious stories come august.
the family comes this weekend and i am very excited about taking them hiking and eating and shopping and REIing. yes that is a verb in my family.
and finally the mens. never understood em, never will. such is life.
if i was in lubbock right now, i'd be drinking mimosas and watching my parents march with lawnmowers in the parade. then tonight i'd go eat some of the best bbq in the state and drink mojitos beneath the fireworks show. instead, i'll spend my day watching pride and prejudice with the lady friends and praying we'll get to have fireworks tonight. when did austin become seattle and more importantly, why does God hate america's birthday this year? why??
....aren't my parents adorable?
aaaaand, that picture was taken by one of my two bratty cousins (love you patrick and thomas) that have iphones. not jealous.
have a happy fourth and try not to lose any appendages!
life in austin has been especially sweet lately. with the exception of my job (i got called satan last saturday), i am still quite content. i've been working out with surprising consistency (for me) and made other healthy changes. the biggest of these is that i drink 3 liters of water every day at work. coincidentally, i also pee every five minutes. seriously though, i feel a lot more cleansed and i swear it's made my skin feel a whole hell of a lot like the backside of a baby.
last tuesday i went to my first austin interfaith meeting. it's basically a group of people of faith (protestants, catholics, jews) that work together to improve the community. i had an interesting conversation with an older woman who's a parole officer. we discussed the problems/injustices of our prison system and she confirmed a lot of what i already felt. like i told my mom tonight, i don't know if i'll go back to any of their meetings. there was a lot of talk about anger, and while that gets some people going, it just isn't really for me. i like to keep things a little more upbeat. but we'll see how it goes, they do a lot of good things for austin. they'd asked me to go to meetings with city council members and mr. heb himself, but they didn't fit into my work schedule. if i don't watch it, i'm going to turn into my father. (he's uber involved in the good ole lubbock community.) that was one big ramble. my apologies.
this weekend was fabulous. i went to seguin for clayfest and got to see a bunch of my old college friends. i reunited with one particular b. frie (best friend for those of you not in the know) that i used to hang out with all the freaking time at A&M. it's funny, but when you don't see people for so long it's easy to forget just how wonderful they are. i had this revelation about how much i missed certain people and i'm so thankful i went and got little to no sleep.
look how lovely they are:
this week, i work two days. two. days. then i get to play for 4th of july and i'm praying it doesn't rain. then i get to go to dallas to see clay get his improv on and hopefully go to a ranger's game. THEN, the family comes in town and then i only have two more weeks of work! right now i'm trying to figure out how i can go on my family's annual camping trip in the mountains right after that's done but before teaching starts. it would be perfecto.
so, all in all i'm still a smiley girl these days.
