where'd i go

i think i may have lost part of my soul. for the last 10 months i've spent my days listening to other people's personal tragedies and in turn, i think i've forgotten how to deal with the bad stuff in my life. or maybe i've just altered how i deal with it. either way, martha no like. last night my mom told me that the doctor's confirmed that my grandmother is in the early stages of dementia. she started crying into the phone, rightfully so, and what did i do in response? i turned on my business voice and plowed right on telling her that they found out early and now we'd just have to make plans to deal with it. i've always been my mom's empathetic child, but i've become so conditioned to respond to tears with a straight face and a solid voice at my job. of course i'm upset about what's going on, but it seems like i don't know how to show it anymore.

i went through this same no feelings phase a few months ago and somehow i got over it. i shouldn't say no feelings though, mostly just no sad feelings. i'm happy pretty much all the time. but yeah, back to the point. part of it stems from not talking about the specifics of my job. a while ago i realized it didn't do anybody any good to talk about the cases i hear. who wants to talk to the girl with the severely screwed up and depressing stories all the time? certainly not me. i'm hoping it will just slowly fade away once i'm done with my job. that and when i go to the mountains and become one with the earth. at least that's what we say in austin.