tools of procrastination part 2: May 2005

grad school's gonna be fun...

tomorrow brings the return of:

* early to bed, early to rise
* extreme anti-social behavior
* lots of fruits and veggies
* cooking actual meals
* no more cokes
* running
* an insane amount of reading

p.s. it's my mother's birthday. you should all shower her with gifts and well wishes.

predictions

my senior year in high school, my girlfriends and i assigned each other our own versions of the 'most likely to' awards. orly would be the first to get pregnant, abbi would be the first to get married, tess would have the most kids, callie would never marry or have kids. and me....i would be in an abusive relationship in which i was the abuser. it's funny how wrong you can be in high school.

i've had two fabulous weekends in a row with my girls and i can't tell you how happy i am that our predictions didn't come true. we're much better this way.

regan asked me to....

total volume of music on my computer: i'm in between computers, so we'll go with the ipod - 7.1GB

the last CD i bought: reel big fish 'turn the radio off' - actually a repurchase since i lost my copy from 10th grade

song playing right now: "la cienga just smiled" ryan adams

five songs i listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me:
"soul refreshing" robert randolph & the family band
"the beauty of who you are" marc broussard
"tiny vessels" death cab for cutie
"at the stars" better than ezra
"i'm no heroine" ani difranco

and i'm asking these 5 people to:
mike
sidora
montana
otis
jen

in the past week

i've graduated, moved and kicked into 30 year old mode. more to come later.....

things with which i am currently in love

1. anything and everything related to death cab for cutie or the postal service.

2. warm-car feeling at lunch time.

3. having nothing to do but work and pack.

4. the knowledge that my family will be here in full force on friday.

5. adam duritz. (more of an ongoing devotion.)

6. jen's blog.

7. extreme makeover: home edition.

8. cleansing my life of old crap i'm finding.

celebration

i am done with papers, quizzes and tests....at least until grad school starts.

a lifetime of bad choices

i have an uncle who has had just that. one of the earliest memories i have of him is just before he went to prison for cocaine. sitting around my grandparents' dining room table, everyone crying and saying their goodbyes. i was an emotional little kid and the whole thing was heart-wrenching for me. before this, my mother had apparently told him she didn't want him around my sister and i because his behavior scared us. i guess this is one of those memories from childhood you just block out.

later i remember sitting at a park with him and his new wife (both recovering alcoholics), listening to their advice..."never start smoking, it's impossible to stop".....then i remember when they both relapsed and practically abandoned their two young children. at 5, andie knew how to call the police if mommy and daddy were too drunk to take care of them. horrificly irresponsible behavior endangered the lives of my young cousins too many times and thankfully they both lost custody -at least temporarily.

eventually he and his children ended up moving back in with my grandparents. watching those little ones who had been through entirely too much before the age of 5 made me angry at my uncle. they have suffered and will continue to suffer for the rest of their lives because of his and his ex-wife's mistakes. (i hope and pray that they overcome their early life like their older brother did.)

now, he's almost 50 and has been living with my grandparents for the past few years. at holidays and family gatherings he stays in the back room or joins the group for short spats of defensive behavior. his drug/alcohol abuse and promiscuous youth left him with hepatitis C and cirrhosis. slowly, his health has been deteriorating.

he is an angry, bitter and extremely ill man. i think it's fair to say there isn't much in his life that he would be proud of. he has been less than a model father - he didn't even know one of my cousins existed until he was 10, the other two have been moved around through foster care and several family members' homes; he's been in several rehab programs for both drugs and alcohol, never able to fully kick both; he hasn't had a steady job in years; he did enough terrible things to another of my uncles to permanently strain their relationship; he's taken advantage of two of the most giving and loving people i've ever known, my grandparents,....the list could go on.

and now, his 40 some-odd years have amounted to him slowly and painfully dying in my grandparents' house. he desperately needs surgery but the hospital in oklahoma city can't schedule him until late july. his doctors say he won't live until then. he has no insurance, he has no options.

the hardest part of all this is that he has absolutely no relationship with God. his chances for redemption are quickly growing slim. i love this man. in spite of every failure, every bad decision, my family and i love him with all of our hearts. my grandparents have done everything they can for him, often against their better judgment, because that's what we do when we love unconditionally. we hate the actions, but we love the person. i completely believe that dan is worthy of redemption, more than that he's in desperate need of it. i fear that my uncle will die only knowing bitterness and doubt in his soul and not the peace and joy of a meaningful relationship with God. i've already lost one person like that who i dearly loved two years ago. i cannot stand the thought of it happening again.

so please, if you believe in this, pray for dan. pray that his heart will be softened, he will be humbled and realize that forgiveness is within his grasp - all he has to do is ask, and pray that he will find peace.