your mountain's waiting

Red 5/6
Originally uploaded by marmahan.

yesterday and today i said a final goodbye to my kiddos (we're on block scheduling). their final exam was short and sweet and MOST of them passed for the year. we read oh the places you'll go by dr. seuss. i told my up dog joke* - eyes rolled, hands slapped desks and a chorus of groans yelled "miss maaaaaaaaaayhaaaaan." several kids gave me flowers, cards and pictures (highlight of my year- no joke) and my white board was littered with well wishes. we took both serious and goofy class pictures. i shared my "teacher" email and myspace, then i made them all line up before the bell to give me a hug before they left. when the bell rang, they all shuffled out the door yelling "good luck" and "we'll miss you."

i didn't cry in front of the kids even once...until the last period of today. i watched everyone leave my classroom and then turned to find 3 of my kids sitting on desks behind me. when i got to them i saw that the girls had tears in their eyes and they told me they didn't want to leave. so of course i lost it. geez these kids are ridiculously awesome and they don't even know it. but anyway, after my girls said their goodbyes, i sat down to read a card another girl had given me.

she is a student that had a lot of trouble last semester. we've spent a few frustrating afternoons and mornings trying to work things out for her. i had always felt that i hadn't quite done what i needed to do for her and i've harbored a lot of guilt because of it. in fact, i wasn't even sure that she liked all that much. i would assume most first year teachers have doubts about the job they're doing and whether their kids learn anything at all. this card that she gave me took away any ounce of doubt i had. here's what she wrote:

"ms. mahan, i just wanted to thank you for a great year, it was both fun and interesting. you're a great teacher, you're smart, easy to talk to and have a good sense of humor. if i didn't have a teacher like you, i probably wouldn't have passed the TAKS. you make me feel smart when you give me help, that's not something every teacher does. you also had the patience to stay after school with me when you could have been doing something else. i find that very considerate. it's sad that you couldn't stay and have to move to austin. it's not every day you find a teacher that makes learning fun and worth while. this card is not enough for what you have done for me, but it is a small token from the bottom of my heart. thanks for the great year, God bless you and good luck in austin."

um, hi. my name is martha and i'm a horrible mess each time i read that card. she gave me every single compliment i could ever wish for as a teacher. it is heart-wrenching. but in a good way if that's possible. when i entered this profession i knew that i wouldn't reach every child and i couldn't fix all their problems. i repeated the mantra "if i reach even just one child, that's enough." looks like i can call this year a success.



*up dog joke (jen, you'll recognize this from fish camp):

"do you guys smell that?"
"what? what's it smell like?"
"it smells....it smells just like up dog."
"what's up dog?"
"nothin much, what's up with you?"

see saw for the next generation

see saw
Originally uploaded by marmahan.

today i played at the park with my little brother. of course, i managed to injure myself on a child's plaything. i'm so graceful.

a little of this, a little of that

good: my kiddddddddds. one girl made me a pot in ceramics and wrote a lovely lovely note to accompany it. two girls wrote one last journal entry (not required) just so that i would read them and said nice things about me. children wrote on my board that they will miss me. babies keep asking if i will PLEASE get myspace so they can keep in touch next year. boys told me they're going to make a banner that reads "miss mahan, where are you?" i've been invited back to visit. number of times i've nearly cried in class: 5 billion. tomorrow i read "oh the places you'll go" to one class and it will probably take 2 hours what with all the sobbing and stuttering. i love my job. can i say that again? i LOVE my job. oh, and it's not so bad knowing that i'll be on summer vacation in a week.

bad: stress of a maymester grad class/finishing grading/posting grades/finding a home/finding a job/avoiding inevitable fate of living in a cardboard box. also, i DESPISE the following: people who try to "fix" me, liars, discovering secrets, drama (even when it doesn't involve me), uncertainty and the impending doom that is swimsuit season.


i recently realized that i always relate to the seemingly "messed up" characters in television/film. case in point: dr. yang from grey's anatomy. we react to everything in the same way. like when denny proposed to izzie, i rolled my eyes and gave tess the "you've got to be f-ing kidding me" look. if that's wrong, then i don't wanna be right.

disheartened

my one day trip to austin didn't quite turn out as planned. friday night was lovely - good friends, good (free) food, good music, etc. today started out really well. we found the PERFECT house and i do mean absolutely perfect. i could picture perfectly where our furniture would go, what our summer evening barbeques would look like, how the wood floors would sound in the morning and how the light would rain down on everything in that illuminating manner. but, it looks like it's taken by someone else. so that blows.


and then there was the job fair. THE school i wanted to work at didn't seem to be all that enthralled by my performance. it's so frustrating because i feel....felt that i am really good at expressing myself. perhaps i'm just not what they're looking for. i visited with several other schools and got some promises of interviews, but left without what i really wanted - a job. can't really help but feel relatively rejected at this moment and that never feels good.

i almost missed my flight due to a lack of planning on my part. and now.....i'm back in lubbock. hooray.

i guess i just wanted everything to fall in place for me this weekend. i know with all of my being that i'm meant to be austin, but i suppose it'll just take a bit more effort than i had originally planned.


sorry for the melancholy. hopefully my kiddos will cheer me up on monday.

no sabemos amar

"miss mahan, why do we have to take english every year? we already know how to read and write."

"because there is a difference between being able to read and write and being able to read and write WELL. you need to learn how to express yourself in a clear and concise manner." (shouldn't have used words beyond their vocabulary to make that point, although the irony is hilarious.)


kids are tired of school and i'm about to strangle them. gave out lunch detention to 8 kids in one class today. thought i was making vain threats, showed those little bastards. quite afraid that their lack of motivation and whiney-ness will mix with my PMS/end-of-year stress to make a lethal combination for all involved.

searching for jobs and houses in austin this weekend. will be immensely happy when plans are finalized. also happy when using subjects in sentences becomes appealing again.



considering disappearing from this thing and forcing any of you who still read this to have an actual human relationship with me in order to know what's happening in my life. perhaps more optimism after i (GOD PLEASE GOD) find a job this weekend.