a forgotten post....

the changes

we all spend the first few months of our lives discovering the different parts of our bodies. lips, toes, fingers, ears and noses are all incredible inventions meant solely for our entertainment and exploration. watching a baby examine each treasure is sheer delight. the greatest scientific discoveries pale in comparison to those exquisite moments.

once those few months (or years for some of you slow learners) end, we get to spend the rest of our lives discovering the really complicated stuff. each interaction and milestone is really just a step on the journey to figure out what the hell we're doing here. and when we reach certain points, we look back and take a survey of what it all means. what's the sum of our experiences?

some of us get to have a small group of strangers answer that question for us. looking back on my college years, especially the early ones, i know i've made enough mistakes for 10 people, let alone one. some of the toughest, most challenging times have occurred in the past 4.5 years. now my youthful indiscretions and subsequent hard work are piled onto a few pieces of paper and added up in a few numbers. when you look at it that way, my time here doesn't mean all that much.

but the things that aren't on that paper are the truly meaningful events. i've learned what it means to be alone. 450 miles away from anyone you know alone. i've learned what it feels like to make a new best friend while never losing the comfort of old ones. i've learned what it means to be complete in my relationship with Christ through His Church. i've learned the value in keeping my mouth shut and quite often in running it off. i've learned to let go of people when they're really gone. i've learned what unrequited love is and how to maintain hope for one that will be unmatched. most importantly, i've learned who i am, what i believe and who i want to be.

the tearful goodbyes, joyful smiles, lonely nights, new friends, lost family, old friends, bursts of laughter, broken hearts, kisses, worried prayers, hugs, thankful prayers, humbled spirit and renewed faith. these have been my cherished discoveries. and each one is more precious than any application, grade point or diploma.

forgiveness

there is one person in my life i cannot forgive. he hasn't been a part of my life for going on 6 years and i haven't seen him in 4. my first serious boyfriend, justin swept me off my 14 year old feet. i've always felt emotionally mature for my age, so it only seems fitting that we were so serious at such a young age. i had heard every terrible rumor about him by the time we were in 9th grade: he was mean, racist, sexually experienced, violent, dangerous. somehow a girl's heart figures out how to ignore her young mind.

i was giddy when i found out he liked me. for a while it was your typical junior high romance, passing notes and late night phone calls. but then things got real. i was in love, or at least thought so. he claimed to feel the same although his behavior definitely did not reflect it. the little things meant the most - comments about my weight (even though i was never bigger than a size 4), snide remarks about the way i treated him, blowing me off in front of people. he was simply an asshole, but the kind of asshole who would do one nice thing a week and somehow compensate for all the crap preceding it.

he cheated on me, i took him back. i was dedicated to him and threw away everyone else in my life. my parents hated him but were afraid of pushing me over a line. after about a year and a half it ended terribly. i gave him way more than i ever intended and he repayed me with a broken heart and a mind full of regret. the aftermath was the worst. he strung me along with drunken phone calls for 6 months, begging for my help. i tried to get him help for his drinking problem and was greeted with "if this came from anyone else but you, i'd care." just to prove how big a man he was, he once outlined for me the way he could break into my room and kill me in my sleep. my father forbid me from talking to him after the side mirror on my truck was knocked off one night. periodically he would show up at parties and follow me around, making comments and trying to intimidate me. the last time i saw him, i'd been drinking and exploded on him after one of his outburts. he lunged and had to be held back. to this day, he's the one person i literally fear running into when i'm back in lubbock.

it's all in my past, but it changed me forever. men generally mean betrayal to me now (thanks in part to a few guys after justin). i have yet to experience a healthy, balanced romantic relationship and i know that in some way it stems from such a crappy start in dating.

but, i'm thankful it happened back then and not in college when it could have been eternally damaging. (i mean, at least i didn't marry the guy or have his baby.) i've grown, learned lots of things, but it's the one part of my past that will never, never disappear or really fade.

forgiveness and sympathy are vitally important to me, but my heart just will not give that to him yet. maybe someday it will.

the brother i didn't want

so kevin technically moved out last week, but really he's been hanging around this week too. plus, all of his crap is still here so i don't think it counts yet. we've been friends since freshman year. he was one of the first people i met at A&M. i remember the night 4.5 years ago, i went down to meet him in the lobby of the commons to go eat for his birthday dinner. kind of an awkward way to meet, but i guess he turned out to be ok. we've lived together for almost two years and i wouldn't have had it any other way. we fight like brother and sister, he's disgusting and occasionally funny, and i know i can always count on him to support me through anything. it'll be really weird when he's actually gone after this weekend. so here's to a best friend who i know will be around for a very long time, even if he's hundreds of miles away.

if it ever occurs

i would like my honeymoon to be here. the rooms are the most amazingly romantic and serene things i have ever seen. and most of them have private outdoor hot tubs and courtyards. stunning.

40 gigs of musical joy

i made a new friend today. she's beautiful.

UPDATE: i guess i should mention that i didn't actually pay for her. i did one of those free offer things and earned her. i'd say i feel slightly guilty, but then the $300 in my pocket make me rethink that.

impressions

i stood there laughing to myself. i've been there before, and i'm sure i will be there sometime again. dressed to the nines, making insignificant changes in makeup in order to draw the attention of some man, any man. but tonight, it was just me - tattered jeans, tshirt, track jacket and flip flops. the eyes were searching, measuring me by the clothes i wore. 'she isn't even wearing any eye makeup'. none of it matters though, i'm not out to snag some sweet action. i'm not looking for the love of my life in a bar. out to celebrate a last night with an amazing friend, i was only looking for what i came with.

so at the end of the night, i just come home to the sanctuary of my room, my music, my peaceful life and remember why i've removed myself from that world. i'd like to say those looks didn't affect me, but i'm writing a post about it. so yes, when those girls look down on me, it bothers me. not because of what they think of me, but because of what they must think of themselves.

it was beautiful

i promise not to post about ani again for at least a month, but i feel obligated to report on the show to my loyal readership. my plan for the event was to sit quietly and connect with the woman i've been listening to since i was 14. and that's exactly what i did. i paid my $112 for a beer, found a solitary spot in the balcony and wrapped myself up in her eloquence. her beauty is simple and clear. just ani with a guitar and a guy with a classical bass, showing us the deepest realms of her soul without ever seeming trite. she sings with such honesty and passion that i've felt like i've known her for almost 10 years without ever having met.

i realize that my passion for her music seems a bit odd to a lot of you. i think if everyone knew my story of life and boys they would understand better. but that's a completely different post. let me just say that i don't expect any other person to be so passionate about my causes. but i do hope that you have something in your life that makes you come alive when you hear it or do it, something that, as cheesy as it may sound, pulls on the heartstrings of your soul. without that, what's the point in living.

and finally, some words from the woman herself about the music:

"and me. i'm just a folksinger, not an entrepreneur. my hope is that my music and poetry will be enjoyable and/or meaningful to someone, somewhere, not that i maximize my profit margins. it was 15 years and 11 albums getting to this place of notoriety and, if anything, i think i was happier way back when. not that i regret any of my decisions, mind you. i'm glad i didn't sign on to the corporate army. i mourn the commodification and homogenization of music by the music industry, and i fear the manufacture of consent by the corporately-controlled media. last thing i want to do is feed the machine.

i was recently mortified while waiting in the dressing room before one of my own shows. some putz suddenly takes the stage to announce me and exclaim excitedly that this was my "largest sold-out crowd to date!" "oh, really?," i'm thinking to myself, "that's interesting...too bad it's not the point." all of my achievements are
artistic, as are all of my failures.

that's just the way i see it. statistical plateau or no. i'll bust ass for 60 people, or 6,000, watch me."

aniphile

all i want to do is sit and listen to this album. the first time i played it the entire way through i was at the coffee shop trying to read and found it impossible to concentrate. each track kept stopping me short. her words and music are hauntingly powerful. thank the LORD i get to go see her on friday at a relatively tiny venue in houston. mark my words, i will be a changed woman. pleeeeeeeeeease give her a try. regan did and he's not regretting it....at least not yet.