forgiveness
there is one person in my life i cannot forgive. he hasn't been a part of my life for going on 6 years and i haven't seen him in 4. my first serious boyfriend, justin swept me off my 14 year old feet. i've always felt emotionally mature for my age, so it only seems fitting that we were so serious at such a young age. i had heard every terrible rumor about him by the time we were in 9th grade: he was mean, racist, sexually experienced, violent, dangerous. somehow a girl's heart figures out how to ignore her young mind.
i was giddy when i found out he liked me. for a while it was your typical junior high romance, passing notes and late night phone calls. but then things got real. i was in love, or at least thought so. he claimed to feel the same although his behavior definitely did not reflect it. the little things meant the most - comments about my weight (even though i was never bigger than a size 4), snide remarks about the way i treated him, blowing me off in front of people. he was simply an asshole, but the kind of asshole who would do one nice thing a week and somehow compensate for all the crap preceding it.
he cheated on me, i took him back. i was dedicated to him and threw away everyone else in my life. my parents hated him but were afraid of pushing me over a line. after about a year and a half it ended terribly. i gave him way more than i ever intended and he repayed me with a broken heart and a mind full of regret. the aftermath was the worst. he strung me along with drunken phone calls for 6 months, begging for my help. i tried to get him help for his drinking problem and was greeted with "if this came from anyone else but you, i'd care." just to prove how big a man he was, he once outlined for me the way he could break into my room and kill me in my sleep. my father forbid me from talking to him after the side mirror on my truck was knocked off one night. periodically he would show up at parties and follow me around, making comments and trying to intimidate me. the last time i saw him, i'd been drinking and exploded on him after one of his outburts. he lunged and had to be held back. to this day, he's the one person i literally fear running into when i'm back in lubbock.
it's all in my past, but it changed me forever. men generally mean betrayal to me now (thanks in part to a few guys after justin). i have yet to experience a healthy, balanced romantic relationship and i know that in some way it stems from such a crappy start in dating.
but, i'm thankful it happened back then and not in college when it could have been eternally damaging. (i mean, at least i didn't marry the guy or have his baby.) i've grown, learned lots of things, but it's the one part of my past that will never, never disappear or really fade.
forgiveness and sympathy are vitally important to me, but my heart just will not give that to him yet. maybe someday it will.
i was giddy when i found out he liked me. for a while it was your typical junior high romance, passing notes and late night phone calls. but then things got real. i was in love, or at least thought so. he claimed to feel the same although his behavior definitely did not reflect it. the little things meant the most - comments about my weight (even though i was never bigger than a size 4), snide remarks about the way i treated him, blowing me off in front of people. he was simply an asshole, but the kind of asshole who would do one nice thing a week and somehow compensate for all the crap preceding it.
he cheated on me, i took him back. i was dedicated to him and threw away everyone else in my life. my parents hated him but were afraid of pushing me over a line. after about a year and a half it ended terribly. i gave him way more than i ever intended and he repayed me with a broken heart and a mind full of regret. the aftermath was the worst. he strung me along with drunken phone calls for 6 months, begging for my help. i tried to get him help for his drinking problem and was greeted with "if this came from anyone else but you, i'd care." just to prove how big a man he was, he once outlined for me the way he could break into my room and kill me in my sleep. my father forbid me from talking to him after the side mirror on my truck was knocked off one night. periodically he would show up at parties and follow me around, making comments and trying to intimidate me. the last time i saw him, i'd been drinking and exploded on him after one of his outburts. he lunged and had to be held back. to this day, he's the one person i literally fear running into when i'm back in lubbock.
it's all in my past, but it changed me forever. men generally mean betrayal to me now (thanks in part to a few guys after justin). i have yet to experience a healthy, balanced romantic relationship and i know that in some way it stems from such a crappy start in dating.
but, i'm thankful it happened back then and not in college when it could have been eternally damaging. (i mean, at least i didn't marry the guy or have his baby.) i've grown, learned lots of things, but it's the one part of my past that will never, never disappear or really fade.
forgiveness and sympathy are vitally important to me, but my heart just will not give that to him yet. maybe someday it will.
2 Comments:
That's a very raw and beautiful post. Thanks for sharing.
By
Otis, at 11:01 PM
hey, friend. i can totally relate. relationships can be so difficult and really leave you affected. one thing that's helped me is knowing that it's okay if i have to forgive him on a daily basis, if i have to. i hate it. and i don't want to, but forgivness is incredibly freeing.
By
Anonymous, at 10:51 AM
Post a Comment
<< Home