i've always wanted to adopt what i like to call a rainbow of children. for years i've had this vision of myriad children from foreign countries living under my happy and healthy roof, escaping the life of difficulty that faced them in their home countries.
recently that vision has changed. working where i do and hearing what i do on a daily basis, i've realized how many precious babies - young and old - in my own state desperately need loving homes. i now know what it takes for a child to be permanently removed from a home and it horrifies me. my department has a page (http://www.dfps.state.tx.us/Adoption_and_Foster_Care/About_Adoption_and_Foster_Care/)* where you can actually see pictures of the thousands of children looking for homes where they can be safe and healthy and loved and as normal as they can be after what they've lived through.
someday, i will have one of those homes.
*warning: if you are at all inclined to crying over children you do not know, this website will certainly do the trick. for me, looking at it helps to bring a face to what i do everyday and makes me believe in the power of redemption.
on a more uplifting note, my roommate is currently downstairs helping santa spit up in our living room. week after thanskgiving (next week for the calendarily challenged) the decorations are on like donkey kong and our home will look like santa had a full-on new year's day pukefest across our living room and up the stairs. suh-weet.
which first of all is something i thought i'd never do. but on top of this, my work thinks that they are creative by calling our cubicles "pods" and that just creeps me out. ok, just needed to get that out.
yesterday and today i realized that there is one thing that is going to DRIVE ME CRAZY at work. no, it isn't all of the drug addicted crazies that want to tell me their life stories. it's the girl in the pod across from me. every 1.35 minutes she makes this insanely irritating, absolutely disgusting guttural noise. it's like she's clearing her throat, except instead of phlegm she has a tiny troll lodged behind her larnyx and he's putting up one hell of a fight. i don't know that this sound can be adequately represented by the characters of the english language, but it's something like cggdggggghuuuuuuuuuughx (the x being silent). yeah, that definitely does not do it justice. IT'S DISGUSTING!
everytime she does it i gag and sometimes throw up a little in my mouth. and that can't be good for my esophagus. i asked someone if this was an ongoing thing, and she told me that the chick only does it during allergy season. in case you're not from austin, allergy season lasts about 12 months a year, so that's awesome.
Hope is the thing with feathers – That perches in the soul – And sings the tune without the words – And never stops – at all – And sweetest – in the Gale – is heard – And sore must be the storm – That could abash the little Bird That kept so many warm –
I've heard it in the chillest land – And on the strangest Sea – Yet, never, in Extremity, It asked a crumb – of Me.
today was sad. there's no other word for it. for some reason the calls just hit me a lot harder than they have so far. i listened to a grandmother sob into the phone because her daughter is a meth/pot dealer/ and addict. her daughter has a one year old child that she has taken with her to stay at one of her meth/pot dearler/user friend's houses. i almost choked up when she told me she just didn't know what to do anymore. her daughter had the parenting skills you would expect from anyone that is addicted to meth or is dealing meth. the baby is in so much danger, but i am SO limited by what the law allows me to do with her case. it was just frustrating beyond belief. but i struggled and kept my cool and promised the woman that she had done the right thing by calling us and that i was going to do everything i could to help that tiny baby.
what was even worse though came from a school nurse. as she described the injuries on a tiny 9 year old boy, i really did have to fight back the tears. i will never understand how or why people think that punching and beating children is an effective form of discipline. the boy and his siblings were emaciated and bruised. but what i think will leave the most lasting marks is the emotional abuse they suffer. they are told on a daily basis that they are horrible and worthless. this little boy told the nurse that he beats up his 7 year old brother to keep his brother from being like him. the 9 year old was afraid all the time and he wanted to make his little brother tougher than he is. children should never be afraid that they will nto get enough to eat or have a place to sleep or that their parents are going to beat them when they get home. it was a conscious effort on my part to forget that family's address.
so many of the things i hear at work honestly don't effect me. if i let each call sink in, i'd never get anything done. but then there are the days that make me angrier and sadder than i've ever been in my life. how these people can squander the gift of a child is beyond me. i hope that when i return to teaching i remember the stories i hear at work this year, and continue to fight for the unprotected.
it seems that the older i get, the more complicated things can become.
a good friend of mine is going through a horrible break up right now. i'm beginning to realize that as relationships become more serious and adulthood tightens its grip on our lives, breaking up becomes an entirely different ball game. we are no longer able to get pissed at or annoyed with our significant others and abruptly cut them out of our lives. with every romantic endeavor, the stakes become higher and the wounds of lost love cut so much deeper. everything is just so COMPLICATED. and to that i want to say: idontlikeitiwanttobetinyagain.
however, in another realm of grown-upness, things are much less scary and/or daunting. work is loooooooooovely. today i was the only one in my training class allowed to take phone calls all by my lonesome (i.e. i did not have a peer trainer listening to my calls OR checking over my reports before i sent them to the field, i.e. i did my job for reals.) in the outside world, this probably does not sound like such an accomplishment. but, in my little head, i'm quite proud of what it says about me and either my skills, knowledge charisma OR my ability to fool people into thinking i have skills, knowledge and charisma. either way, i think it to be a sign of greatness. ...oh, and i spoke to my first clinically insane person today on the phones. she was craaaaazy, and i do mean that in the technical sense. it's funny how you can sense the mental illness immediately. of course, it did help ohsoverymuch that she told me she was in shoal creek hospital. but anyway, i do feel that i got her a bit of help, so that's always nice.
finally, i feel i must honor my latest pick for parents of the year. i got a call about a father that was pulled over for a traffic stop. after veering across lanes of oncoming traffic and landing in a ditch, he looked at his 10 year old daughter and said "i'm not going back to jail, i'm running" and proceeded to abandon her in the car. OF COURSE, drug dogs alerted to the car (but didn't find anything) and dad has a history of drug problems. turns out that the little girl, 10 years old mind you, has already been in trouble with the law and the family has only been in the area for less than a month.
but wait, remember how i said parentS of the year? so mom comes to pick up the little girl from the police station and looks like a meth addict. after about 45 minutes inside at 11PM, she says that they should probably go because her FIVE YEAR OLD CHILD is ASLEEP IN THE CAR. with the car running.....
