but for a lack of providence

something that's always been a big problem for me: knowing when to keep my mouth shut and when to share my feelings. generally speaking, i get it wrong. i tend to run my mouth off and then spend a lot of time trying to do damage control. it isn't always mean things that i say. i have a horrible tendency to be entirely too open with my romantic feelings; i'll go for the guy, make the first move. and let me be the first to say that's never worked out well.

but then there are the things...the things i know will be hurtful to the other person. things that could permanently ruin friendships. by no means am i quick to say those things. they'll fester in the back of my mind for weeks, months until something triggers the line and they come rushing out.

it's a defense mechanism that's only pulled out on rare occasions. the older i get, the more i pay attention to who and what make me feel secure and happy and appreciated. sometimes i fight the reality of what's dragging me down. it's one of those stupid girl things. but in the past few weeks i have been genuinely happy and i realized that a lot of my stress had been eliminated by not talking to one person. i still don't like the idea that it has to be this way. but today when he tried to talk to me, it happened. i said the things. the terrible things huddled inside me that i knew were true, but i also knew were very hurtful. i hate the idea of burning bridges and i don't like revenge, but i have to think of myself. i just hope this time i made the right choice.