manhole

i'm holding here a book
notable, but not the greatest
stolen for me by the latest
in a long line of thieves
and i'm just about to drop it
down that manhole of memories
when i realize it doesn't bother me
like love's mementos usually do
and i look up to see who's different here
the latest me or the latest you

course, you're the kind of guy who doesn't lie
he just doctors everything
chooses some unassuming finger
and quietly moves his wedding ring
who rewrites his autobiography
for any pretty girl who'll sing
but you can't fool the queen, baby
cuz i married the king

and maybe it was i who betrayed his majesty
with no opposite reality
like a puddle with no reflection
of the sky or the trees
but after my dreaded beheading
i tied that sucker back on with a string
and i guess i'm pretty different now
considering

~ani difranco

the key to my happiness

i've struggled a lot in college station and had a tortured soul as a result. the first few years here i desperately strove to be liked, grasping at straws to fit in, juggling activities and half-hearted friends in the pursuit of joy.

and then one day, i dropped them and walked away. it's amazing how simple it was to attain what i'd been seeking for so long. the past few months i've distanced myself from all the crap that has made me feel guilty, used and fake. i've created an insulated reality that consists of only the things i truly enjoy, like art and books and cafe mochas and awe-inspiring music and culinary experimentation of a healthy nature and one angelic little sister and loving roommates and friends who are hundreds of miles away but feel closer than those a mile away and a future about which i could not be more excited. i'm fully aware of the temporal nature of my newfound reality, but for the next few months i'm going to relish it.

right now

i wish i was 6, outside my aunt and uncle's house hiding from cars in the crisp green grass of summer.

i wish i was 13, learning how to polka with my cousins on the wrap-around porch of a cabin in angel fire, the stars so close you feel that you could reach up and grab one of your own.

i wish i was in an open pasture littered with wildflowers, thick with the fragrance of pine and the soft rustle of aspens in the air outside of taos wih my feet in an icy mountain stream.

but mostly i wish i had someone to drive with me to the middle of nowhere, sit out on the hood of my car, talk and listen to ani difranco till sunrise.

Perhaps it is easy for those who have never felt the stinging dark of segregation to say, "Wait." But when you have seen vicious mobs lynch your mothers and fathers at will and drown your sisters and brothers at whim; when you have seen hate-filled policemen curse, kick and even kill your black brothers and sisters; when you see the vast majority of your twenty million Negro brothers smothering in an airtight cage of poverty in the midst of an affluent society; when you suddenly find your tongue twisted and your speech stammering as you seek to explain to your six-year-old daughter why she can't go to the public amusement park that has just been advertised on television, and see tears welling up in her eyes when she is told that Funtown is closed to colored children, and see ominous clouds of inferiority beginning to form in her little mental sky, and see her beginning to distort her personality by developing an unconscious bitterness toward white people; when you have to concoct an answer for a five-year-old son who is asking: "Daddy, why do white people treat colored people so mean?"; when you take a cross-county drive and find it necessary to sleep night after night in the uncomfortable corners of your automobile because no motel will accept you; when you are humiliated day in and day out by nagging signs reading "white" and "colored"; when your first name becomes "nigger," your middle name becomes "boy" (however old you are) and your last name becomes "John," and your wife and mother are never given the respected title "Mrs."; when you are harried by day and haunted by night by the fact that you are a Negro, living constantly at tiptoe stance, never quite knowing what to expect next, and are plagued with inner fears and outer resentments; when you no forever fighting a degenerating sense of "nobodiness" then you will understand why we find it difficult to wait. There comes a time when the cup of endurance runs over, and men are no longer willing to be plunged into the abyss of despair. I hope, sirs, you can understand our legitimate and unavoidable impatience.

stickin it to the man since 1982

my advice to any of those returning for another blissful semester of learning: fight the establishment and do not buy your books at the bookstore. go online and pick em up at www.half.com for just that, half the price. i'm saving over $100 this semester just like i did in the fall. and yes, that includes shipping. plus, i just sold back a book for $70 that i bought for $70. screw the bookstores and their $40 back on $400 worth of books.

this is kindergarten, every minute of every day.

the plans are set......

kind of.

i'll be enrolled at A&M's grad school starting in may of this year. don't know where i'll be for the rest of the year, that all depends on which school hires me. what i DO need from you is some assistance. i have to be here until early to mid-july and only have housing until i graduate in mid-may.

does anyone know of summer subleases in college station for june and half of july? they can be male or female roommates (i don't do other people's dishes or drama, respectively), i just don't want huge partiers, slobs or jackasses. your help would be greatly appreciated and possibly rewarded.

dates, surprises and kiddos

another eventful trip to the lbk this past weekend that brings with it a set of mildly entertaining stories.

friday night i had myself a bona fide, full fledged date. we had drinks and then dinner at 'the club'. too bad it was with a girl, or it could've counted as something. it was rather humorous watching the waitress assume that we really were a couple though. when we sat down, me with my short hair and claire with her beret, we did look quite the hip big L couple. then claire decided to order my wine for me. five minutes later the waitress came back, set a candle in the middle of our table and proclaimed it to be 'mood lighting'. at the end of the meal, she brought around the dessert tray and claire said she wanted pecan pie. i scrunched my nose in disgust and she asked what was wrong. 'i don't like nuts.' 'you wouldn't.' thank you claire.

the surprise 30th anniversary party went off without a hitch. i did see mom on the other side of the produce section at market street saturday morning, but she is in 'the zone' when she's grocery shopping so i was in the clear. there were also some strategically placed phone calls that ensured that my parents still believed i was in college station. by the end of the day we had managed to pack 50 people, including 7 out of town relatives, into my aunt and uncle's house (next door to my parents) without their knowledge. they really were shocked when they walked in the door. good food, good friends and good wine greeted them for a night of revelry. i gave a short but sweet toast and i even got my mom to smoke the hookah with me.

i also got to meet the borrachi's, my parents' italian exchange student's parents. whew, that wears me out. they were very nice and very unfortunate to be stuck in lubbock for 10 days. my parents will be amazing hosts though without a doubt.

mom talked me into staying until monday, so i was able to make a surprise visit to my sister's kindergarten class. she had me play my violin, which i hadn't touched in 7 years, because they were learning about the letter 'v'. we had question time and i learned all kinds of valuable information from them. for instance, 'did you know that, um, zach, um, has an, um, kazoo. and he can play a song, but um, he can't remember what it's called. and his brother and sister have one too. and they play together.' oh, and how could i forget that 'um, did you know that gabriella's uncle has a guitar?? and um, he has a friend, who um got married last year and she went to the wedding.' and then there's wonderful little elijah boyd who loves me even though he's only met me twice. cutest. kids. ever.

when can i have some of those?

don't forget

when you're contributing to the tsunami relief funds, remember the other regions of the world where thousands of people die every single day. africa, south america, eastern europe and even our own communities also need our help. you can simply commit your funds to a general fund instead of those designated for specific events. their struggles are just as moving as those in asia right now.

suck

"it's life, and it's real. and sometimes it f*cking hurts, but it's life, and it's pretty much all we got."

another one of those martha-can't-fix-the-world-and-it-sucks-ass moments. prayers for my family would be greatly appreciated.