done wrong

perhaps i'm just a freak, but i like to think that everyone feels this way at some point. right now i'm just not myself. nothing fits, nothing works. i'm in a funk and i don't know how to get out of it. but what scares me is that i fear i may be becoming truly bitter.

this weekend i met a man through a friend of a friend. older, outgoing, intelligent, outofmyleagueattractive, funny (thought i was funny), good taste in music/books/film, etc. a nice enough guy, probably a very nice guy, but all i could think while talking to him was "liar." he had no reason to be untruthful with me, i had no reason to think that he was. for some reason though, i watched his lips move and did not believe a word that was said. when he tried to relate to me, to be kind, to sympathize my response was "dude, you don't even know me." kind hand extended and my firm refusal time and again. (my thought process essentially went something like this: you are a man, this is your job. get me to drop my guard and then sucker punch me. nice try but no thanks.)

i think sometimes i pride myself on not being fully understood. i like to pretend i'm complex and unique and intriguing. but i don't want to be so complex that i don't even understand myself. unfortunately, that's where i am right now.