unrequited

my life this week has consisted of work, angry chick music, extreme emotions and sleep. monday night i ended a relationship that was entirely confusing (complicated was his favorite word) and emotionally draining. there never was true certainy on where we stood, just that we were not a real couple. however, i had shared more of myself with this guy than i have with any other member of the male sex. i felt that he understood me better than the vast majority of people. i let my guard down and opened myself up to him freely. as usual, that turned out to be a mistake on my part. after a discussion about our opposing views of the future of the relationship, i decided that we were only headed towards my broken heart...a shorter trip than i realized at the time.

in a overwhemingly difficult but brilliant move, i've cut off all contact with him. that step is never easy. i find myself staring at my phone, willing him to call. sadly, i have still failed to develop that skill.

i think the toughest part of all this is that it makes me want to build up even larger walls around myself. i've gone through all this before, but the pain increases every time and this is no different. God have mercy on any guy who tries to connect with me now. the chip has been placed firmly back on my shoulder and i'm not quite sure when it will come back down. sometimes i think that old saying "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" was written by someone who had done neither. losing a best friend is not something you quickly heal from, but i'm learning to try.