nightmares

a couple of nights ago i had a dream that has left me feeling strange. you know those dreams, the ones so vivid that you have difficulty determining what is real in the half-sleep of morning.
 
it truly was the emptiest, and for lack of a better word, creepiest nightmare of my life. i was dead. my life had become this ghost-like state, limited to the viewpoint of an observer. i could watch my loved ones, and even a few friends could hear me occasionally, but i was unable to communicate with the most important members of my life: my family. i listened as my friend told my parents i had passed and felt trapped, incapable of comforting them. the hardest part was knowing that i could no longer talk to my mother. then i had the startling realization that my soul wasn't supposed to still be on earth. the fear was overwhelming that i might be stuck in that state for eternity, or worse that i had been denied entry into heaven....maybe there wasn't a heaven.
 
when i awoke i was on the verge of tears. quickly i regained my sense of self, but the visions and feelings have stayed in the back of my mind. it's odd how an act of the subconscious can impact me so deeply. i know that if i go back through my thoughts and actions this week, i can easily pinpoint the sources for the dream. my family is in the mountains with bad cell reception so our conversations are limited, a friend almost had a really bad wreck, and on and on. but deep inside, i know i have this horrific fear of death. not so much of my own, but more of specific people whose impact on my life is immeasurable. the idea of life without them is heartbreaking.