tools of procrastination part 2

love it

2008-05-18T19:14:00.000-07:00

i am currently obsessed with this girl

her music tastes like summer.

the definition of...

2008-04-28T18:14:00.000-07:00

cultural disconnect.

last week in class, one of my boys asked if he could go to the nurse to get some vaseline.

"why?"
"to put on my tattoo. it itches." (yes, he is 13 and yes he has a new tattoo on his wrist. and yes it says "nina" and yes i asked why he had "little girl" written on his wrist. my spanish speakers all laughed.)

after i explained that a new tattoo was not a reason to go to the nurse, one of my girls told him not to worry because she had some oil in her bag. she promptly pulled out a bottle of olive oil. with a look of utter disbelief and confusion, i inquired as to why she would have olive oil in her bag and whether or not she was planning to use it to cook a meal.

with the exact same look of disbelief and confusion, my students responded that it was for her hair. and what on earth would i cook with olive oil. fried chicken? they use crisco.

i'm not kidding, that's exactly how the conversation went. in education we'd say that our schema didn't match up.

and people want to argue there's no cultural bias on standardized tests.

documentaries are my favorite

2008-03-30T17:46:00.000-07:00

a bit late, but i meant to plug a film that i saw at SXSW. it's called "they killed sister dorothy" and it is a-ma-zing. with extra zing.

it's about a catholic nun who was killed while living in brazil. she was an advocate for the poor and the environment and was brutally murdered because of it. the director was at the screening i went to and said that his hope is that it will show in major cities across the US. if nothing else, you should most definitely netflix it when it comes out.

the website is theykilledsisterdorothy.com

go learn!

75% of people don't know what they're talking about

2008-03-17T16:00:00.000-07:00

i saw this today on CNN:

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/03/17/poll.national/index.html

it states that according to a new poll, 75% of americans think the country is in a recession. that would be a riveting and meaningful article if recessions were a matter of opinion. sadly, economists in their extensive trickery came up with this amazing little thing called a "formula" to determine what qualifies as a recession. two or more consecutive quarters of decline in GDP. not "gas is really expensive" or "i can't afford an iphone" or even "i felt poor lately." just two consecutive quarters of decline in GDP. would it be difficult for CNN to include that in the article?

i strongly dislike CNN. it's like one step above star magazine.

mi familia

2008-03-15T10:10:00.000-07:00

my brotha, d, had surgery on his leg yesterday. a while back we discovered that he had a fracture in his tibia. that tough little baby played football and started to run track with the injury. when the doctors said that surgically inserting a metal rod into d's leg was the best option, my parents immediately tried contacted his family to get permission. to this day, his mother refuses to return calls. she's mad at d because he wouldn't give her his social security number so she could file for SSI or put him on her tax return or some other crappy financial reason. she didn't even call d on his birthday.

my parents had to get a judge to order that the surgery be done. d was extremely nervous about the whole procedure and at first refused to have it done. my parents and his coaches explained it all to him and finally convinced him that everything would turn out fine. d called his uncle and sisters, who all live in the same town as my family, and asked them to come to his surgery. yesterday when he went into the hospital, the only people there were my parents and one of his coaches. i just talked to d a few minutes ago and he's in a lot of pain, but doing well.

all of this just makes me love/respect that baby even more. i cannot comprehend what it must be like to have a family like his. it breaks my heart for him. a lot of kids in his situation end up making horrible choices and developing even worse attitudes. d, on the other hand, has chosen to be hard-working, kind, sweet person. i'm so proud to have him as a part of my family.

one week of freedom

2008-03-13T16:06:00.000-07:00

i'm on spring break right now and it has been fabulous. i've been partaking in all the lovely things austin and the surrounding area have to offer. i think that giving up tv for lent really helped in getting me active. the ladies and i kicked off saturday by sneaking our way into one of those sxsw parties where you pay nothing to listen to bands and drink beer. hipsters abounded, however, and i did make a relatively early exit from that one. sunday i went to my church and then to "hippie church" at maria's. it was entertaining to say the least. there's something about that older generation of hippies that just doesn't quite translate down through the decades. tess had a good little theory that maybe if we'd never seen videos on mtv then we'd dance like them too. if that's the case, i'm thankful for mtv for the first time in over a decade.

tuesday morning, tess and i loaded up my car and headed for pedernales falls state park (pronounced perdinalis by everyone in a 200 mile radius of here.) the other ladies had bailed on us because of "soccer games" and "jobs" so we were ready to brave the wilderness on our own. both of us were a bit concerned about keeping ourselves entertained considering the fact that we'd been together almost non-stop since saturday. thankfully, as usual, we found random crap to laugh at. for example, tess trying to build a fire. she thought you just had to make a pile of logs and light a match, like in our fireplace. we were good though, because i have the kind of father that was kind enough to challenge my sister and me to timed fire-building competitions in our pre-adolescence. turns out it was a useful skill to learn. anyway, the park was beautiful and the falls were impressive, even running low. one of these days i've got to figure out how to work my camera properly so my pictures don't come out looking overexposed. however, all i have to offer for your viewing pleasure is this for now:

last night i went to a communal reconciliation service and it was extremely cathartic. in it i found the impetus to change some of the nasty little habits i've been developing. namely, the fact that belief without action is meaningless. it's nice to feel that immigrants are mistreated, that the poor are neglected and that the homeless are overlooked, but unless i start to try and do my part to change that, well my words and thoughts don't do anyone much good. i hope to create a drastic shift in that area of my life from this point on.

this morning i was completely alone at the greenbelt for my run. that's never happened before. it was fabulous, but a bit unnerving a the same time. due to a brilliant suggestion by a wise, lovely man, i have decided to make sure my visits to the greenbelt become much more regular. he told me, "martha, you live in the best part of austin and you should take advantage of it. you should take so much advantage that you feel guilty and want to give something back." fits perfectly into my new plans (see above paragraph).

finally, i decided to actually take some steps toward my goal of learning spanish. until this point all i've done is listen to spanish music, watch foreign films and monitor my students' conversations for cuss words. hence, i have not learned anything of real value. so this morning, i purchased "spanish for educators" at half price books and started making flash cards. yes, it might be ridiculous that a 25 year old has color-coded vocabulary words on rings, but it's part of how i learn. tess and i are also planning to sign up for a conversational spanish class this summer.

all of the things i've done this week are things that bring my true joy, but for some reason i tend to have trouble getting them done. suddenly though, i feel like i've had this shift in my spirit and it looks like i'm finally getting down to really living this life. it makes me smile.

i love this town

2008-02-24T17:21:00.000-08:00

i had the kind of austin day today that i absolutely love. weather.com actually forecasted "abundant sunshine." went to mass, cooked, played a pick up soccer game at zilker and graded papers on the deck at mozart's. i think i even got a bit of a tan.

let me tell ya a little thing about pick up games at zilker. if an african dude asks you to play, be prepared for some good competition. not so easy when you haven't played in a year and are still a little phlegmy from sickness earlier in the week. still fun though.

hannibal

2008-02-12T18:06:00.000-08:00

today we got a new kid at school. this child comes to us with his own teacher, teaching assistant and crisis management person. three adults. for one child. they are with him at all times and he gets his own classroom. he is never with the general population and has to be monitored constantly. if he gets out, he runs. you cannot chase him because then he thinks it's a game.

needless to say, this child has some serious issues. there are all kinds of rumors going around, but we're pretty certain that at the least he's schizophrenic and a sexual predator. the reason we're pretty certain is because the attorneys have determined that nobody can talk about his condition due to confidentiality. he was removed from his previous school and temporarily placed at the alternative learning center, but nobody knows why.

this situation baffles me for many reasons.

1. why is this child in public school? if he does not have any contact/socialization with peers and is basically on lockdown all day long, what benefit does he get from being in our school instead of some psychiatric facility?

2. don't the students and parents at our school have a right to know about any dangerous individuals in the building? if my kid was in school with a sexual predator, i'd like to know.

3. doesn't the staff have a right/responsibility to know about any special or dangerous behaviors this kid has? we can't prepare for things we aren't aware of.

4. how in the hell do you get kicked out of a school when you are in an isolated room, being monitored by three adults all day? seriously?? wtf??

God bless public education.

blowin out my mind

2008-01-29T18:42:00.001-08:00

i'm living out my own little jane austen novel and i adore it. 10 minutes of yesterday were more lovely and meaningful than i ever thought 10 minutes could be. happiness - you should check it out.

LOST starts on thursday and i make frighteningly excited noises when i see commercials for it. seriously, the other day my friends asked if i hurt myself when i did it.

i believe the ladies and i are going to a pitbull concert this month. here's hoping we don't get stabbed or molested. holla!

leaving tomorrow to itself

2008-01-21T20:08:00.000-08:00

The Lord said to her in reply, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and worried about many things. There is need of only one thing."

it's so much easier to get the message from the Bible when Jesus uses your name...

shmolitics

2008-01-10T16:58:00.000-08:00

hillary cries for votes.
ron paul is a racist.
huckabee thinks immigrants should "go back where they belong."

...all reasons i like obama.

hello

2007-12-16T19:35:00.000-08:00

so this thing still exists. who knows if any of you lovelies still read it, lord knows i wouldn't. but in case you do, here's a mini update on the life of me.

work - only four days of children left. THANK YOU, THANK YOU. i love my babies but i am very ready for a break from them. i have had my fill of drama and fights and disrespect for now at least. i do have a funny quote from a child though. he was working on a character analysis assignment and he was getting stuck. sooo, i told him that we'd channel the character, edward, together. before i could do that, i had to deal with some other child issues and he began to get tired of waiting. he came up to me and said, "miss, when are we going to go to the edward channel?" it made my heart warm and i laughed in his face. don't worry, he's 12, he wasn't offended.

not work - there's stuff happening in my social life, but i don't want to jinx it so i will only say that it is fabulously wonderful.

i'm getting the traveling bug. my father said he would give my sister and i each $400 to go to either paris or rome. we vote rome, but it's probably a very long way away because i have to save the other $405,366 it costs to travel abroad. ALSO, this summer i'm supposed to go to ecuador with the lovely roommate. this will also be expensive seeing that we want to go to galapagos and swim with the turtles. it makes me giddy just thinking about it. AND, before then i want to go somewhere fun for spring break. like chicago or seattle or portland or san francisco. this also costs money, so we shall see. perhaps i need to check in to getting a patron to fun all of my travel dreams.

i head back to the lbk on friday and i'm very ready to see the family. oklahoma and a wine exchange are in the cards. keeping my fingers crossed for a white christmas. hope you all get goodness from santa.

thankful

2007-11-20T19:06:00.000-08:00

today i won a turkey at work. on monday we gave each kid a paper "feather" and they were supposed to write their name on it and give it to their favorite teacher. the teachers with the most feathers won a turkey. i won for 7th grade. it made me smile.

other things making me smile: the most amazing man i know (aside from my father) thinks i'm wonderful and going home to COOOOOOLD weather tomorrow.

boo

2007-10-31T18:41:00.001-07:00

two very happy stories to share....

numero uno: last night i was bitching to my father about work issues. sometimes we don't communicate the best, partially because we're so much alike and also because he's not a very openly emotional man. anyway, he had to get off the phone because we were beginning to butt heads in the conversation. this morning he called me while i was on my way to work. he told me that he just wanted to offer some words of encouragement for the day. he said it's not easy for him to listen to me when i'm upset about those things because all he wants to do is make an appointment with my boss and tell him to stop picking on his kid. he also made a comparison to the scene in christmas vacation when cousin ed kidnaps clark's boss on christmas eve. it brought a tear to my eye and a smile to my face. my dad is my favorite man on earth.

y dos: i have this child that looks like a hispanic version of the kid from mad magazine. freckles galore and perfectly round cheeks. so this child did not finish his work in class today and when i assigned him homework lunch (coming to my room to work) he was pissed. he was even more angry when i called another of his teachers and had them send him down to me right before lunch. mad mag boy pitched a fit and started walking away from me. "naaah miss, i'm not going." despite his anger, he ended up making it into my room. we sat and worked on his assignment together. this child has VERY limited english (e.g. did not know the english word for "slide" or "swing" when describing a park) and struggles in my class because of the one-on-one instruction he really needs. this chance to tutor him was a blessing to me and i really worked to show him that i valued his effort. by the end of lunch, he was smiling and actually asked me if he could come back tomorrow during lunch to work. i told him that anytime - before school, after school, during lunch- i would be more than happy to help him. he said he'd come in tomorrow after school as well.

i know that this baby most likely will not maintain that willingness to forfeit his free time for the sake of tutoring. however, the fact that in that one moment he felt encouraged enough to make that statement makes me feel like i did something worthwhile.

union

2007-10-14T18:05:00.000-07:00

so i'm now a union member. having grown up in a republican household in west texas, it wasn't really something i had foreseen in my future. sadly, i've found myself in a position that requires i have some protection.

you see, our admin team (the principals) is not what one might call ideal. there have been blaring inconsistencies in discipline for children and this has caused a great strain between the faculty and the admin. for example, a child made a shank in class (a homemade knife for those of you not in the know when it comes to prison-speak) and that child was given half a day of in school suspension. half of a day sitting in a room. for making a deadly weapon. in class. in a school that had a stabbing in february of this year. two weeks ago there was an incident that is even worse (a child was intentionally cut with scissors on the eyebrow by another student) and as far as i can find out, nothing was done about it. it's like teaching in oz. you can see how this might create some hostility.

part of the issue is that two of our assistant principals are new. and by that i mean it's their first year as admin. personally, i would have picked some tenured individuals to come into a school like mine - academically low-performing for three years with major discipline issues. however, our head principal picked them for his own reasons. and that's where the real concern lies.

our head principal is new to my school this year as well. at the beginning of the year he told us about an article in the austin chronicle that addressed issues he'd had at his previous school. to sum it up very simply, the article said he was a total jerk and that half of his staff resigned or got transfers because he ran the school like a tyrant. of course, we all gave him the benefit of the doubt after reading that and it is appearing that that might have been a mistake.

he spent the first month of school making everyone in the front office cry. he regularly emerges from his office screaming at the top of his lungs at our secretaries. they've all lined up other jobs already. he has harrassed teachers to whom he has granted leave and one that was sick with pneumonia.

what appears to have been the final straw, however, is something that he wrote on an observation form for me. he and a superintendent did a "walkthrough" in my classroom, meaning they came in for about 5 minutes to briefly observe how i was doing. they were there at the beginning of class and so my students were finishing up their "warm-up" vocabulary activity. they were using context clues and inferential skills to determine the meanings of words like "countenance" and "tirade." these are not words that are even remotely close to being in my student's vocabulary. it was challenging for them and i had to give most of them assistance.

unfortunately, when i picked up my observation form that afternoon, my principal had written "today's idiot sheet was not rigorous. a total waste of time." i was stunned and had to read it several times to make sure that he had actually written something so unprofessional. needless to say, it was infuriating to me and it ended up being the first day i cried at school. i spoke to our union reps and they suggested i would need protection now that i'm on his bad list.

word spreads fast in a school and by the end of the day i had a lot of coworkers stop by my room to tell me what a good job i've been doing and that i'm completely supported by them. their kind words helped to offset all of the doubt that my principal had created. as a newer teacher, i constantly question the job i'm doing even though i'm working harder than i ever have in my life. it feels really good to have teachers with 9 or more years of experience telling you that you're one of the best new teachers they've seen at my school.

all this time i thought the most difficult part of my job would be dealing with the children. it never occurred to me that the adults might be this challenging.

homesick

2007-10-09T18:53:00.001-07:00

i really want to go home and see my family. i had planned on carpooling with a friend this weekend and had been looking forward to this weekend for weeks. the plan was to gorge myself on my mother's cooking, cheer my brother(s) on in football and thoroughly enjoy a couple of cool(er) nights. well, my friend backed out on me today. because i am a procrastinator and spend my weekends working, i have not taken my car in to get it checked out (it's pulsating when i brake). i had not planned on driving because the prospect of my car breaking down in BFE west texas did not sound appealing. all of the flights to lubbock are sold out now. i just want to see my family and i have no ride home. this makes me cry like a small child. i know the fact that i worked a 12 hour day, have a headache from hades and am celebrating my womanly times also contributes to my tears. but it sucks and i'm sad and i just want to hug my favorite people in the world.

boy genius

2007-10-02T19:15:00.000-07:00

i am so proud of my baby brother for so many reasons right now.

my brother goes to lubbock high, the same school that my sister and i attended. we always had our fair share of ghetto growing up thanks to the make up of the school. it's the kind of place where you know if you have a system and no alarm, it will get stolen. even if you do have an alarm, someone's probably still going to at least try to jack your stuff. my brother, of course, has (had) a kick ass system. today, it was stolen. he was parked in the front row of a school parking lot on a MAJOR street next to an empty handicapped spot and it was still stolen mid-morning. the campus cop was a doofus (e.g. told my brother that the shady character he sees hanging around the parking lot is a drug dealer, and drug dealers don't steal) but told my brother to keep his ears open. thankfully, my brother is down with the right crowd, if you know what i mean. by 8:30 tonight, he knew who took his system, where they live and what their basic criminal record was. he was also running a sting operation, having one of his friends try to buy it off the guy. he's also been in contact with his girlfriend's father, the police officer. what a little bad ass.

even more than that, my mom told me that the football coaches told my brother, my brotha* and one of their friends that they are the moral leaders for their team. that makes my heart warm. my brother and brotha are doing great academically and behaviorally while working their butts off on the field. WHAT GOOD KIDS!

*my brotha is my new honorary sibling. my brother's friend, d'vonic, moved in with my parents in august. he'd lived with his grandmother since the age of 3 and sadly she passed away this june. both of his parents are alive and well, but they simply do not want to care for him. he was already like a family member to my parents, so they readily offered to take him in. he is one of the sweetest, most polite, hard working, good natured, respectful, intelligent and talented children to grace this planet. i'm so proud to call him family now.

you turn me around

2007-10-02T18:14:00.000-07:00

when my children refuse to do their classwork, i have them fill out a form telling me why. most of the time they choose to do their work instead. however, today after taking a practice TAKS test for the second day, some oƒ my children were particularly determined not to do a damned thing. one little baby, who i'm working my absolute hardest to see Jesus in, handed me back the form and on it was written "my barn can't function after the test." for a split second i was confused but then i realized his intent. i read it back to him and he was confused. that sweet little child of God did not know how to spell brain. i just had to smile and walk away.

tonight i read messages that my children from my fomer school had sent me on my teacher myspace. they are seniors now, but some of them still write to let me know how they are. one remembered the last day of school when i read oh the places you'll go to them outside. it made me cry. i miss those kids these days, but i have to remember that at this point in the year in 2005, we had plenty of struggles of our own..

a little of this a little of that

2007-09-24T18:15:00.000-07:00

today i have to take time to remind myself of things. like the fact that my students are not fortunate enough to have the background that i have. and the fact that not all of them are trying to drive me to an early grave. but i swear, by the time we had a lockdown and i was having to explain to children why they needed to shut their mouths (i.e. so we didn't get shot to hell), i was about ready to strangle a child. in the figurative sense of course. i have been working 12-15 hour days and working at my school at least once a weekend since school started. i woke up this morning and thought it was thursday because i have no sense of a weekend anymore. i live, eat, breath, dream teaching and today on my way home i can honestly say that i didn't feel i loved it. i hate that because my job is my life and i love children so much more than most things in this world. but these babies, oh these babies can be tiring and trying.

last week i prevented a fight in my classroom with the help of 3 other adults, one of whom had to physically restrain a child before he rushed me from behind. i spent the rest of that day dealing with an administrator that said he wasn't going to give those boys any punishment. subsequently i told that admin that it was simply was not acceptable behavior and that he would give those boys in school suspension. i had to help in breaking up a fight after school one day and then helped prevent some apparent gang activity the next. (i guess the good part of all that is i'm learning to assert myself even better.) and on top of all that, these children spell "went" "whent" and "bears" "bers."

but then i have to remember the good stuff. there was this heart-wrenching moment with a child on friday. we were discussing the theme of a story and talking about hardships in life. he mentioned death as a hardship and then told me and his group that his mother died last year. it really did almost bring tears to my eyes. when i called him over to my desk after class, i thanked him for sharing that with me and told him to let me know if he needed anything. this sweet, sweet child said "yes ma'am" and then reached down to hug me. i love that baby. he tries really hard in my class even though he's very low academically and he is one of the most polite students i have. he is what makes teaching feel worth while.

excuuuuuuuuuse me

2007-09-17T18:20:00.001-07:00

today i had a child ask to use the phone so that he could call his mother because she told him to call her whenever a teacher wasn't handling a situation "correctly." this was just after i had placed him in time out and THEN had a talk in the hallway because he had been cursing and telling people on the other side of the room he was going to fight them. apparently he thought that making him think about his actions and come up with alternative behaviors was too harsh. why, why, why do parents equip their children with egos the size of montana and then send them off to my classroom all day? i grew up being told that when it comes down to the teacher versus me, the teacher always wins by default. i miss the good old days of my youth. :)

i like cheese

2007-09-05T18:59:00.000-07:00

today, one class of children tried to guess my age. they started with 23, immediately moved on to 42, and then hovered around in the 30s even AFTER i told them i was born in the 80s (math is obviously not our strong suit). it was endearing.

i have a child that looks JUST like gusgus from cinderella. yes, he is round and brown and freaking adorable. no, he does not carry stacks of cheese between his hands and chin, no matter how much i wish he would. he has this high pitched voice and an accent that turns "this" into "thees." and his thinking face, oh his thinking face. when he concentrates he looks like the most innocent and earnest angel God ever made. i want to squeeze his cheeks and keep him as a pet every time i see him. sometimes he's so sweet i have this urge to eat him like a cupcake. outside of class i call him only by the name gusgus, so inevitably, i almost called him that in class last week. that could have been tragic.

i've had some great interactions with kiddos over the last week. my fighters returned on friday and have been dutiful, polite students. i have praised them for the change repeatedly. it really is true that children respond to positive feedback so much more than they do to the negative. i've been doling out high-fives for good work and you would be presently surprised to see how that simple act makes them smile.

i love my job.

addendum:

how do i know i'm old? the answer is threefold.

today i met with a financial planner type to set up my retirement planning. 403(b), baby.

more than once in the past week i have been in my bed either reading a book or watching pride and prejudice (thebestmovieofalltime) at 9:30. in the PM.

things in my body "pop" for no other apparent reason than the fact that i have moved from a sitting to a standing position.

breakin tha laws

2007-08-28T18:04:00.000-07:00

two days down at school and i already did what a teacher is not supposed to do - broke up a fight. yesterday was fine, but i hadn't quite found my groove yet. the kids weren't bad, just talkative. today, i walked in knowing things would be different. first block = awesome. kids on task. kids learning. kids contributing. good classroom management even though i didn't have desks for three kids. second block = awesome. seating chart fixed behavior issues. kids engaged. kids learning. first half of third block = fine. two kind of mouthy kids, but nothing too bad. and then it happened...

i was helping one of my girls at her desk when i heard desks move behind me. i turned around to see two of my 12 year old boys throwing punches at each other. as i made my way to them, i was telling them to break it up and get away from each other, but they're 12 and full of hormones and adrenaline and blind to the world at that point.

now let me pause to say that just last night i was telling my dad that i never get in the middle of a fight once the kids have made physical contact. if i can get to them before that point, i'll push them apart. otherwise, we're legally not supposed to touch the kiddos because of lawsuits, etc.

HOWEVER, in the heat of the moment all i was thinking is "i want this out of my classroom five minutes ago." so, i pushed the boys apart and got in between them. the kids kept fighting AROUND me and i got punched a few times. one of my girls, who is cousins to one of the fighting boys, jumped up and tried to hold him back. i got one kid outside and asked him what in the hell happened. he told me the other kid took his pencil and said something to him. TOOK HIS F-ING PENCIL. this is the crap they're beating each other up for. we had a quick visit about how i could've helped him if he'd told me what happened, but he refused to allow me that opportunity by choosing to fight it out. then the school officer came and took the boys away. i couldn't get over how quickly it happened. normally there's the exchange of comments, which escalates to raised voices, which escalates to standing, which escalates to "what's up bitch let's go," which finally escalates to violence. this went from comments to violence in 2.4 seconds. over a pencil. wtf mate.

later i found out that one of the boys has meds for behavioral issues and hadn't taken them this morning. glad i got a heads up on that one. in the end, i had to decline filing charges against the kids for hitting me and i had to decline workman's comp for any possible injuries. personally, i think that was a bit absurd. i mean, have you seen a 7th grader lately? they're pocket-sized. the fact that i could separate them shows how little damage they could do to me without some type of weapon.

aside from that drama, it's been nice to get back to teaching. i love helping kids figure stuff out. there's a hard road ahead of me in that department because some of them write on a 1st grade level. no joke. a lot of them are english language learners and just don't have vocabulary. some of them spell on a phonetic level (wun = one). i had to HELP some of them figure out what the title of their literature book was today. the title. as in the name of the book.

what makes it worth it already are the freaking adorable little ones that smile through the entire class and seem so eager to learn. there's one kid i want to eat with a spoon because he's just so tiny and sweet. also, i had forgotten how great it feels to have kids go out of their way to say hi to you or give you a hug while they're with their friends. it tells me that at least some of them know i'm here for them and that i am dedicated to building solid foundations.

tomorrow, however, i get to tell the rest of my classes that from here on out nobody better test me or i'll have to regulate.

tomorrow, it begins

2007-08-26T20:07:00.001-07:00

...

i hate drugs

2007-08-22T19:56:00.000-07:00

so the situation with my grandparents has become increasingly worse and i have no control over it. this is a huge source of frustration for me. my grandmother's health has been quickly declining and i can already see that she is no longer the woman i've known all of my life. she used to be a bubbly, cheerful ball of love. a lot of the time now, she seems confused and sad. as if that wasn't enough, grandma and grandpa's living situation has started to be frightening. my drug-addicted uncle and his drug-addicted, mentally ill friend have been continuously stealing random things in my grandparents' home to pawn - a window unit air conditioner, the lawnmower, my grandmother's silver. whatever they can use to get their next fix. last week my grandfather awoke to some man standing in his closet rummaging through their things. thankfully, there was no violent confrontation and the man only took a book of checks. of course my uncle denied any involvement, and apparently he thinks he's only related to morons. my ever-forgiving and willfully naive grandparents chose not to acknowledge my uncle's role directly, but did call my mother and say that they want to move into a retirement community in lubbock as soon as possible. this is where things get even trickier.

they have a horendous financial situation because for 30 years they have footed the bill for my uncle's multiple stints in rehab, medical bills and bail. due to their generosity, they do not have the $400 required as a downpayment for the retirement community. that sickens me. obviously my family will pay for the moving expenses, but their debt is so extensive that they will probably have to file for bankruptcy. for two people that worked so hard in serving other people, this is a crushing blow.

all i want is for my uncle to be incarcerated so that my grandparents can live out their last years in peace. sadly, he knows how to work the system and is trying to get back into rehab in order to avoid jail time for the most recent in a long line of drug related arrests. my mother has offered to the DA to testify at his upcoming trial so that he will get as much jail time as possible. it's a depressing fact, but my family no longer believes that my uncle has a chance of recovery. he will most likely die a drug addict. he will not have seen his children in years or spoken to his only brother in a decade. he has burned most of the bridges in his life and i know that his behavior is his responsibility. however, it absolutely breaks my heart to have to give up on family. it sucks that at this point we have no choice, but we simply cannot allow him to continue to ruin my grandparents' well being. i'm praying that we will have them moved to lubbock in a month and then we'll be able to focus on my grandmother's health and enjoying the little time we have left with the real her. please keep us in your prayers and thoughts.

beaming

2007-08-15T18:41:00.001-07:00

i. love. my. school. district. i just needed to write that down so that i'll have it for later when i'm frustrated with something in the system. but right now, i am LOVING my days and my job. i'm so excited about teaching again that today i almost cried when i drove past an elementary and saw a mother walking her kindergartener to registration. he was looking at the school with such inquiry and excitement and, as corny as it sounds, it filled my heart with joy.

the past two days i've attended meaningful, practical and informative training. the new teacher academy has consisted of fabulous presenters and helpful information - two things that were missing in my previous district's professional development program. i've collected some really neat tools that may seem small but that will vastly improve the efficiency of my daily classroom routine. for example, last year i was horrible at dealing with make-up work. i had no system to keep track of what child owed me which assignment on what date. when you have 130 kids, it's a tough thing to manage. now, thanks to training, i'll have a "homework" box on my desk with a stack of notecards next to it. when a student misses class, they'll fill out a card and drop it in the box. the card will tell me what day they missed, what day they returned to my class and then i'll be able to fill out which assignments they owe and when they are due. a simple system that holds children accountable for their learning and makes my life easier at the same time! i'm hoping that through all of these new resources i'll have a new-found sense of organization in the classroom and that will somehow spill over into my personal life.

however, what i love most is the underlying philosophy of the district. everything we do is based on the assumption that achievement is effort-based instead of ability-based. to simplify it - achievement occurs because you worked hard and had the right tools, not because you were just smart or innately good at a task. too many children enter the classroom with the belief that if they have to work at something, it means they aren't as smart as other children or that they're dumb. those same children frequently choose looking lazy over looking dumb and refuse to put forth effort. saying that you failed because you didn't try is much more palatable than trying hard and failing. we've spoiled children by telling them that they are each brilliant and talented and perfect just the way they are. what we NEED to be saying to kids is that you have to really work at mastering anything and that sometimes in that process you're going to fail. we've failed to teach our kids how to deal with failure and in turn they're so frightened of the idea that they choose not to even take the chance. it's silly and it's a pattern that i, and hundreds of other teachers, am trying to break.

the biggest thing i've realized in the last few days is just how busy my life will be and how hard i will work this year. i have a lot of big plans for my classroom that will require me to be organized, accountable and uber-dedicated. tonight at mass, father joe asked us when the last time was that we made a sacrifice in order to help someone else. i can't really answer that question as of now, but get back to me in a month and hopefully i'll be able to say i've done it daily with my kiddos.

fact: bears eat beets

2007-08-11T09:39:00.000-07:00

more stories from the mountains. my family has been camping in the same campground for several years now and they have never had problems with animals - until this year. just to kind of create a visual for you, i'll explain our camping set up. this year we had a group that varied from 11 to 23 people at different times and there were three campers and six tents. we generally get three campsites that are kind of in a triangle and then have a huge area in the middle where we all hang out. my dad brings his big camping kitchen table and we set up an area with tarps where we cook and eat our meals. it's a nice little set up that my grandfather and i compared to tribal living, but that's another story.

so on to the wild animals. friday night my brother drove down to the trailhead to the falls (about a mile) and saw a bear. nobody believed him, so i went to check it out and sure enough there was an adult black bear in the dumpsters. the next night at about 9 or so, my cousins and i were all sitting around playing cards when we heard four shots. it scared the crap out of everybody, but then the game warden came around and told us they'd shot the bear with rubber bullets. problem solved, right? at about 12:30, my dad heard noise out at the kitchen. assuming it was racoons, he grabbed his headlamp and a walking stick and headed over to investigate. when he was pretty close to the kitchen, he saw the bear on other side of the table pulling bins off the shelves. dad stopped. the bear stopped. they looked at each other and then the bear took off in the opposite direction. the next day, my dad said he was really glad the bear chose to run away, because he wouldn't have had a chance if it had charged him. anyway, about that time my uncle came out from his camper and they cleaned up all of the food and went back to bed. problem solved again.

about an hour later, uncle tom heard something outside the window of their pop-up camper. the bear was back. he shone his light outside the window and told the bear to go away. it did. the next morning we found my grandma's favorite backing pan mangled and punctured because she'd left cornbread in it. i found it funny that the bear didn't touch the honey that was shaped like him.

at that point, it seemed like the bears were gone for good. there was no sign of them until tuesday night. mom, aunt andrea and all of the kids were sitting around the campfire at about 9:30 when my parents' and sister's dogs started barking in their crates. the kids stood up and saw that there was a bear cub by the crates. what do my cousins and siblings do? why run straight over to the bear of course. mom and andrea immediately freaked out. luckily the mother bear had already taken off. the baby bear ran super fast and got up in a tree. then it started making hissing and growling noises at everybody. they ended up having to keep a spotlight on it for about about 2 hours until the game warden could show up and get it down. the whole time my mom was freaked out about the mother bear coming back and mauling my family.

all of the run-ins made for an exciting trip and helped me to develop a pretty solid fear of bears.

i'm baaaaaaaack

2007-08-07T15:56:00.000-07:00

the mountains were glorious and i have several stories and tons of pictures. i'll share some things in installments so that you don't tire your little eyes out reading it all. ok really so that you won't get bored and stop reading.

as soon as i got to the mountains, i had this feeling of peace, relaxation and contentment. mostly because there are very few things that can compare to the smell of mountain rain. kat and i were excited because we were finally going to go on our first backpacking excursion. we'd been gathering supplies and talking about it for about two years, so there was a lot of build up to the main event. we visited with my uncle tom about wheeler peak because he'd done it before. he told us that it wasn't too difficult and that there were only two things to worry about: bear proofing and hypothermia. "you only have to worry about hypothermia, cause people get up there and get wet and then it gets cold fast and you die." hypothermia, check. we were already camping at 9,000 feet and it wasn't even close to cold there. besides, we had all of the necessary gear and are experienced campers. so we headed off on tuesday morning...

6AM, wake up, break camp, start the drive
7AM stop to buy a hatchett in espanola and grab an egg mcmuffin
9AM stuck at construction outside of taos
10:30AM arrive at the trailhead outside of red river
12PM lunch break - kat eats her peanut butter and honey sandwich, i opt to wait
12:30PM begins to sprinkle
12:40PM feel like a lightning rod crossing the rock slides with my camera, phone and ipod
1:30PM reach horseshoe lake, soak socks and shoes in the tall grass, become astounded by beauty
1:35PM see bear droppings and become slightly concerned at the fact that we are the only hikers on the mountain
1:40PM notice quickly approaching thunderstorm, suggest we set up camp below treeline, hike back down to the trees
1:55PM potty break
2:00PM get out tent
2:00:30PM God dumps buckets of water and hail on us, no time to change from shorts, tshirts and rain shells
2:01PM notice tent is filling with water and abandon set up
2:02PM huddle under fly with packs and tent, wait for the rain to stop
2:03PM temperature drops to 40s or less
2:??PM start feeling nauseous and put head on pack, begin shaking
3:10PM look up and ask how long we're waiting it out, thinking it could go on all night
3:11PM told my lips are blue, cannot stop shaking
3:12PM uncle tom's words "hypothermia" and "die" circling in head
3:13PM eat half of sandwich while kat packs up tent
3:15PM start back down the mountain, feeling "tipsy"
5:15PM reach the car, no longer blue
7:00PM eat pizza outback, drink beer, laugh at my fragile nature

so that was fun. if we'd done the 10 miles without packs, it would've been a breeze. however, the pack made my haunches (yes, i'm a horse) sore beyond belief for the next two days. it sucks because we never actually made it to the summit. we did see some amazing views and had a close up look at a marmott up at the lake. i can also say that never in my life have i been that close to lightning and thunder.

next year we know not to do the following: stop in espanola, pee before putting up a tent and/or not change into warmer clothes as soon as we reach treeline. it's one of those experiences that honestly was scary while i was in it, but makes for a good story and an interesting memory. the pictures have a link to my album of the trip. tons of great scenery and experiences. can't wait until next year.

From jemez 2007

the land before time

2007-07-24T19:32:00.001-07:00

or jurassic park. or that tv show from the late 80s/early 90s where the family was time warped into prehistoric times every episode. y'all know what i'm talking about. anyway, that's where i feel like i've been living because i have been battling massive bugs lately. kristen and i hike at greenbelt and they grow a particular breed of flies out there that could take your arm off if they breeze past you. my brother called them elephant flies and it was a pretty apt description. not only are they huge and constantly flying around my head and impeding my limited grace even further, but they also bite. i swear one bit me today and i thought i got stung by a bee. and yes, those suckers are immune to bug spray because i load up on that stuff like it's crack every day. a side note, it appears that i might be immune to poison ivy so i guess the score is martha - 1, nature - 1. i'm sure nature will easily surpass me next week when i go MIA in the mountains for 9 days.

but anway, back to the insects. i have also come to the conclusion that there is a very tricky and powerful spider ambushing me in my bed each night. a week ago i woke up with a bite on my hip that had not been there the night before. this week, i could clearly see fang marks on the bite. kristen laughed at me when i said that. i, on the other hand, do not think that vampirous night spiders are a laughing matter.

where'd i go

2007-07-19T19:21:00.000-07:00

i think i may have lost part of my soul. for the last 10 months i've spent my days listening to other people's personal tragedies and in turn, i think i've forgotten how to deal with the bad stuff in my life. or maybe i've just altered how i deal with it. either way, martha no like. last night my mom told me that the doctor's confirmed that my grandmother is in the early stages of dementia. she started crying into the phone, rightfully so, and what did i do in response? i turned on my business voice and plowed right on telling her that they found out early and now we'd just have to make plans to deal with it. i've always been my mom's empathetic child, but i've become so conditioned to respond to tears with a straight face and a solid voice at my job. of course i'm upset about what's going on, but it seems like i don't know how to show it anymore.

i went through this same no feelings phase a few months ago and somehow i got over it. i shouldn't say no feelings though, mostly just no sad feelings. i'm happy pretty much all the time. but yeah, back to the point. part of it stems from not talking about the specifics of my job. a while ago i realized it didn't do anybody any good to talk about the cases i hear. who wants to talk to the girl with the severely screwed up and depressing stories all the time? certainly not me. i'm hoping it will just slowly fade away once i'm done with my job. that and when i go to the mountains and become one with the earth. at least that's what we say in austin.

i'm changing all my strings

2007-07-17T19:38:00.000-07:00

my last day at work is next friday. i was going to work the first week in august, and then i realized, hey, i don't need that money since my new job will pay me the big bucks at the end of august. (sad that i see teaching as a pay increase.) aaaaaaand i freaking hate my job. so i changed my end date today and i am thrilled. i only have to work one more saturday. the saturday after that i'll be flying to new mexico to join my family for a week of camping. yes. YES. 8 days.

today we had a unit meeting at work. i was in the car with some of my coworkers on the way to our lunch place and we were telling stories about calls we've had. one of the ladies mentioned something about a rat's nest in a woman's hair. just as i was about to make a joke concerning the size of the actual rats living in the nest, one of my coworkers SERIOUSLY said, "i'm sure that they don't mean there's literally a rat's nest in her hair. maybe mice, but it couldn't be rats. they're too big." she was not joking. for a split second i had this urge to open the door and tuck and roll onto I35. thankfully it subsided and i simply rolled my eyes and (internally) sighed. 8 days.

if you know me well, then you know that there are few things that gross me out as much as a public bathroom. some of those things would be: people sitting on a toilet in a public bathroom talking on their cell phones, a public bathroom that smells like a newly made BM and/or seeing a woman carry baby wipes and air freshener into a public bathroom. vomit. in my mouth. i have experienced all of those at my current job. 8 days.

i am tired of hearing about sexual abuse. 8 days.

outside of work i've had a fun time. i broke the mahan curse on thursday and actually said no to an organization. my parents have struggled with that ability for yeeeeears and always get suckered into running things. my community building team asked me to step up into a leadership position instead of just being a member. while i was very flattered that they asked, i politely declined. the committee is going to be in charge of the agenda of issues that my church is going to tackle over the next few years (local, community, educational, legislative action) and it would've been a big task. i, on the other hand, will spend the next year consumed by 12 year old gang members and struggling youth and teaching them how to read the word "five." it's one job that i can't and won't half-ass.

the family came this weekend and as predicted we had an eventful weekend (except for the bat fiasco). one step closer to getting them all down here for good...

i saw bird watchers on my hike/run today and thought of jen. i miss you and hope all of the changes are working out in san fran. i saw diane's doctor pictures and realized, holy crap, diane's a doctor and fixes babies. i miss you and hope the medicine and houston are treating you well. both made me miss sitting on the balconey with you guys, drinking red stripe and complaining about men. oh the memories.

i'm getting closer to total happiness every day....8 days...

thank God it's fatal

2007-07-11T17:28:00.000-07:00

for one reason or another i have been in hyper-analytical mode this week. a pretty broad spectrum of ideas has been occupying my thoughts, and while i will not share all of them (some level of privacy is good for me, yes?), i will discuss a few.

in the past 6 months or so, my maternal grandmother has changed significantly. i'd been very fortunate up until now that all four of my grandparents have been active, independent people. but grandma has been showing some signs of mental deterioration and they've been coming fast. she has a neurology appointment this month so we'll know more then. but anyway, it's been scary for a few reasons. 1. my drug-addicted uncle and his drug-addicted friend live with my grandparents. this makes me worry about grandma and grandpa's safety in that house more than ever. 2. half of my time at work is spent talking to or about the elderly. i've heard the horrible things that can happen to them, even with loving families supporting them, if they have some kind of mental breakdown. 3. i'm terrified that she will no longer be the tiny, sweet, loving woman that i know if, God forbid, she is showing signs of alzheimer's. 4. i don't want to see the same thing happen to my mother, or, and this is so selfish, myself. i just think it's such a horrible way to spend your final years. blah. isn't my eloquence amazing?

on a more random note, i filled out a survey the other day and discovered that i had moved up a box. i'm now in the 25-34 category. this, in turn, has made me think about being an adult. i think that previously i may have talked about all of my progression and subsequent regression (moving back in with mom and dad after college) in my journey to adulthood. i feel like this coming school year will be really good for me in the growing up factor. there's a lot of stuff that i think i've felt i will change once i'm in a relationship or married. i think that subconsciously i think of that (i.e. relationship martha) as what my grown up life will be. well, guess what. doesn't seem like my relationship status is changing anytime soon, so why don't i just go ahead and fix things for me? that's a novel idea.

i put in my three weeks' notice today at work. it felt WONDERFUL. what will feel 5 billion times better is writing out my letter that lists all the things that are effed up with my working environment. that one i'm saving for my last day.

i have been dreaming about school and having kiddos again NONSTOP. i cannot wait to bury myself in that job. i read some of my old blog entries from when i first started teaching and it made me laugh (and cry). i'd forgotten how frustrating the beginning of the year was, largely due to my naivete. prepare yourself for more of my emotional rants and hilarious stories come august.

the family comes this weekend and i am very excited about taking them hiking and eating and shopping and REIing. yes that is a verb in my family.

and finally the mens. never understood em, never will. such is life.

happy birthday america

2007-07-04T09:37:00.000-07:00

if i was in lubbock right now, i'd be drinking mimosas and watching my parents march with lawnmowers in the parade. then tonight i'd go eat some of the best bbq in the state and drink mojitos beneath the fireworks show. instead, i'll spend my day watching pride and prejudice with the lady friends and praying we'll get to have fireworks tonight. when did austin become seattle and more importantly, why does God hate america's birthday this year? why??

....aren't my parents adorable?

aaaaand, that picture was taken by one of my two bratty cousins (love you patrick and thomas) that have iphones. not jealous.

have a happy fourth and try not to lose any appendages!

que simple vista no se ve

2007-07-02T20:07:00.000-07:00

life in austin has been especially sweet lately. with the exception of my job (i got called satan last saturday), i am still quite content. i've been working out with surprising consistency (for me) and made other healthy changes. the biggest of these is that i drink 3 liters of water every day at work. coincidentally, i also pee every five minutes. seriously though, i feel a lot more cleansed and i swear it's made my skin feel a whole hell of a lot like the backside of a baby.

last tuesday i went to my first austin interfaith meeting. it's basically a group of people of faith (protestants, catholics, jews) that work together to improve the community. i had an interesting conversation with an older woman who's a parole officer. we discussed the problems/injustices of our prison system and she confirmed a lot of what i already felt. like i told my mom tonight, i don't know if i'll go back to any of their meetings. there was a lot of talk about anger, and while that gets some people going, it just isn't really for me. i like to keep things a little more upbeat. but we'll see how it goes, they do a lot of good things for austin. they'd asked me to go to meetings with city council members and mr. heb himself, but they didn't fit into my work schedule. if i don't watch it, i'm going to turn into my father. (he's uber involved in the good ole lubbock community.) that was one big ramble. my apologies.

this weekend was fabulous. i went to seguin for clayfest and got to see a bunch of my old college friends. i reunited with one particular b. frie (best friend for those of you not in the know) that i used to hang out with all the freaking time at A&M. it's funny, but when you don't see people for so long it's easy to forget just how wonderful they are. i had this revelation about how much i missed certain people and i'm so thankful i went and got little to no sleep.

look how lovely they are:

this week, i work two days. two. days. then i get to play for 4th of july and i'm praying it doesn't rain. then i get to go to dallas to see clay get his improv on and hopefully go to a ranger's game. THEN, the family comes in town and then i only have two more weeks of work! right now i'm trying to figure out how i can go on my family's annual camping trip in the mountains right after that's done but before teaching starts. it would be perfecto.

so, all in all i'm still a smiley girl these days.

monsoon season

2007-06-25T10:56:00.000-07:00

i'm sitting in my bedroom, listening to damien jurado and rain. it has been raining in austin for the past twelve years, and while it's soothing and makes things pretty and green, all i want is to go to my pool and get a damn tan. what must i be smited like this?

in other news, our priest from nigeria had a lovely surprise this weekend and is being deported back home. they couldn't extend his work visa. and let me say, the fact that the cutest, sweetest, most joyful and peaceful PRIEST in the world cannot extend his work visa shows just how f-ed up our immigration policy is in this country. i could go on and on about how we screw people that really need to be here, and are trying to make it even harder for the ones whose lives depend on it, but i'll spare you. for now.

happy rainy monday. p.s. only 6 more weeks of my job!

embarrassed

2007-06-14T18:35:00.000-07:00

i spent saturday through wednesday of this week having an amazing time. saturday night i made an impromptu trip to seguin to hang out with clay at his river house. sitting in the trees, taking in all the sights and smells of the country and talking until 3AM is exactly what i needed. then sunday i drove into san antonio for my literacy conference. THANK GOD I WENT. it was the single most useful thing i have ever done for my teaching career. i got to know some of my fellow teachers and had a chance to hear the reality of my school. we've been academically unacceptable for several years and this is our last year to pull up the scores on the TAKS test. otherwise, TEA could be closing my school next year just like they've done for some other schools in austin. where do the kids from closed schools go? well none other than the other academically unacceptable schools, pushing them further down on the achievement gap and making the teachers even more overwhelmed. that's no child left behind at work my friends. be proud that g.w. decided to try it out in texas first. anyway, the children at our school do not come from the most solid academic background. couple that with their uncanny affinity for violence and it turns into a challenging situation, to say the least.

i talked to some of the teachers about the lockdowns, stabbings and gang problems from last year and honestly was not really surprised by anything. i knew what i was getting myself into in the area of discipline when i took the job. i took self defense twice in college. i can hang, yo. :)

what did surprise me was that i learned i was a horrible teacher last year. i entered last year's classroom with the belief that all of my students could read. i knew that it wasn't as easy for some of them, but i assumed that if they just read HARD ENOUGH, they could get it. what an idiot. the reality was, and i sadly did not realize until almost two years later, that i had a LOT of students that could not read. sure, they could probably sound something out or slowly stumble over words, but that is not reading. reading means understanding what you have read, even in the most literal and fundamental sense. my kids could not do that and i could not see that they could not do that, not because of a lack of effort, but because they did not know how.

thankfully, i went into the conference assuming that i would have kids on a third grade reading level in my seventh grade class next year. (i guarantee i had kids at that level in my 10th grade class.) i walked away from those four days with practical and affective strategies to use on a daily basis to help these kids learn how to find the meaning of a text by themselves. that, my friends, is true power. these children will be lost in the real world without literacy. they're already lost in their teenage world without it. they get up every school day and go to a place where almost everything they do revolves around a skill that they do not possess. on top of that, they have to do everything in front of their worst critics- their peers. the main presenter of our conference pointed that fact out to us. how many adults can say they do that? i sure as hell do not. no wonder they say they hate school or it's stupid or they just can't do things. i'd probably give up after that many years of failure and no end in sight. so, i could not be more excited right now about what i'm going to do in the fall. i'm going to have a classroom in which students build skills and cognitive confidence that they can carry with them beyond the school year. i am happy. and embarrassed.

stay in the shade

2007-06-04T19:27:00.000-07:00

i just got back from seeing the movie chalk and i highly recommend it to anyone that lives where it's playing. sorry lubbock folk. anyway, it was the most realistic portrayal of teachers that i have ever seen in the media. as one review of the movie said, teachers in film are always shown as saints or doofuses. the reality is something completely different and this film recognized it. mostly because it was made by teachers. so it was hilarious and almost made me cry about 30 different times because i'm so excited that i'll be doing that again in TWO MONTHS. p.s. i get to go to adolescent literacy training in san antonio for four days next week and i'm friggin pumped. i'll get to hang out on the river walk, learn stuff for my job, hang out with my future coworkers and get a break from the depressing and monotonous world that is my current place of employment. until then, i'll be killing my time with hiking, pilates, salsa lessons, pancake theater, trivia competitions and studying for my certification exam. it should be eventful.

this past week i came to a realization. all of my really close friends are grappling with huge life issues right now - health, marital, relationship, family - and each of them has been stressed to the max. i, on the other hand, am utterly content. the biggest issue i'm dealing with is being an idiot and losing my keys. it's funny how things like that work out and sometimes i feel really guilty because i'm not worrying about anything but them right now. i shoud probably count my blessings because it could all be reversed in an instant.

i hope anyone that reads this still is doing well. i miss a bunch of you and am impressed with the things you're doing in your lives!

i'm going to disneyland

2007-05-24T19:34:00.000-07:00

this has been one of the best weeks ever. i'm thinking about calling vh1. my incredibly amazing and brilliant friends helped me celebrate my 25th on saturday. all i wanted for a party was to cook for them all, drink some wine, play games and yes, have a sleepover. little did i know that i really wanted customized shirts for all of us to wear. mine said "hail martha" and had a crown on it. others had pictures of me and said "marfapalooza" and "viva la martha" and other things that aren't appropriate for the general public to read. after dinner we played apples to apples and then went to my new favorite bar. callie and orly rounded out the usual austin crew and plenty of blackmail worthy pictures were taken. i woke up to a floor covered in confetti and egg shells and my friends slumbering - the sign of a good party.

monday i interviewed with two schools. wednesday i went back for a second interview with one. later that day they called to offer me a position teaching 7th grade english. i cannot express in words or thoughts how happy i am to be able to say that i am again a teacher. i miss having kids and challenging their little minds to grow. my school will definitely be a challenge because it's probably one of the toughest in austin. those are the kids i love and connect with the best though, so i'm sure i'll adore it all. i also get to real, grown up adoclescent literacy training in san antonio for just under a week in june. by the end of next school year, i'll be a super human teacher. you just wait. tomorrow, i get to go home and see my dad's side of the family and watch my baby cousin graduate from high school. man i'm old. it's been such a happy week, that i don't really care that i'm getting sick and my sinuses could combust at any moment.

mickey d's ain't got nothin on me

2007-05-13T20:20:00.001-07:00

a few weeks ago, i made a journey to REI to buy some new hiking shoes. they had a pair on sale for like half price and i'd been hiking pretty frequently, so i thought it'd be a good purchase. little did i know that i would make a life changing discovery in the process.

normally i don't like the assistance of salespeople, especially in the footwear department, other than the obligatory "can you get me a 7 in this?" kind of interaction. if they'd let me, i'd journey back to the storeroom myself and fetch my little magic box of hiking shoes. i guess that explains why i love buying shoes at target - that and the fact that shoes cost $10 a pair there. but i digress. so the helpful footwear salesman offers help set me up with some quality insoles since i plan to take the new kicks on a long(er) expedition with my sister this summer. i had to remove my socks and shoes and roll up my jeans so that he could inspect the shape of my feet. i don't know why, but i just find that entire process uncomfortably intimate and well, just uncomfortable. my friends have always told me that i have great feet, but something about a total stranger getting down and dirty with my toe jam is just icky. (read: i don't really have toe jam, but there is this underlying fear that it will have suddenly developed upon entering the store.) also, i hadn't shaved in a like a week, so i looked like a wild mountain woman. but hey, it's REI and that's kosher with them.

anyhow, mr. REI kneels down and begins the thorough assessment of my feet. after like 5 seconds he proclaims my feet to be perfect. apparently i have the kind of arches that would have made the romans cry. i have to say that it was nice to hear a licensed (okay, probally not, but a girl can pretend) professional tell you that some physical feature of yours is without fault, even if it just my feet. but aside from that, what does this mean to me? it means that i have been thoroughly neglecting my feet for my entire life. he stuffed some insoles in my hiking shoes, and i tell you my friends, it was like walking on flowers or clouds or babies' bottoms or something equally soft and fluffy. i had never known that my feet could feel so good. of course i by no means intend to suggest that i have stopped neglecting my feet; i still sport my completely unsupportive flip flops every chance i get. but at least now i get to feel bad about it.

mr. darcy

2007-05-07T13:32:00.000-07:00

i have been on a jane austen kick lately and have in turn decided that i want a jane austen romance. maybe it's because i relate to the main characters or just relish in her use of sarcasm, but she makes me smile and long for my own mr. darcy...i'm lame, but i know diane feels me on this one. :)

arboretum is dallas for lovely

2007-05-03T16:14:00.000-07:00

i went to the single most beautiful wedding i've ever been to this past weekend. my dear, dear friends joel and erin got hitched in dallas and although i usually reserve my greatest level of disdain for dallas, i was really impressed with where they got married. it was this incredibly idyllic, sincere and joyous ceremony. between the vows and the reception we wandered through the gardens and i was amazed at every turn. here is the sunset:

here i am making fun of the rotund statues:

and then of course the dancing and gorging and champagning began. i can say quite honestly that it might have been my dream wedding. too bad they got to it first. (ignore the devil eyes, my camera is possessed)

i have to say that the best part of the wedding is that i can say without a doubt that they are meant for each other. they have one of the best stories of how they met and fell madly in love and she moved across the country to be with him. they renew my hope that there is a man out there somewhere that will get me and be willing and able to do anything to make me happy. oh and i guess vice versa.

i am happy

2007-04-15T19:51:00.000-07:00

i mean really really happy. it's so nice when you reach a point when you can say that unequivocally. in the most basic, purest sense, i am a joyful lady these days. there are plenty of influences bringing about the state of bliss - potluck dinners, good food, good drink, amazing city, increased outdoor time, inspirational church, fantastic friends FANTASTIC FRIENDS, the best family in the history of man. i'm just very content with my life right now, even if there are some things i still really want to change (i.e. my job). on top of that, i had the best weekend i've had in a long time. my brother and sister came to visit and we took in a little of everything austin has to offer. i love them and am not-so-secretly plotting to convince them all to move to the austin area soon. they appear to be at least moderately receptive to the idea, so i will continue to spin my web. muahahaha. after they left, i spent another amazing spring day with my lady friends. kristen told me tonight that she believes i was placed in her life for a reason, a reason that made her so excited that she had to call her parents and tell them that. i always know my friends love me, but it's so nice to hear somebody tell you just how happy your presence in their life makes them. i'm all smiles.

some of the things in my near future that make me smile even more:
wearing my new uber girly dresses to joel's wedding in two weeks
camping trips (less than a month away!)
concerts - kings of leon, bob schnieder, maybe bright eyes
trivia night at mother egan's
cousins' graduations
weekly austin adventure time
my top secret birthday celebration

hope everyone else is feeling as content as i!

you gave your body to the lowly

2007-03-29T19:47:00.000-07:00

my lovely woman friends and i have decided that we have entered a social life slump. generally speaking, when we all go out for a night on the town, we go to the same places, drink the same things and dance to the same music. therefore we have called a moratorium on our old life. we're creating a master list of things to be done in austin and not stopping until we check them off. i have to say that i'm really super duper excited about the new life of adventure and REALLY experiencing this town. one of the most exciting developments, to me, is that we're going to make an earnest attempt to start hanging out with more men folk. it's odd to think that all the way through college i pretty much only hung out with guys. now i'm constantly surrounded by women, women i love and adore mind you, and although it is refreshing to have that group, i miss me some testosterone.

going along with the theme of out with the old, in with the new, i'm feeling like i'm in a new place spiritually and emotionally. there are some things that i have done/been doing over the past few months that have really been weighing me down and a complete source of icky feelings, to put it eloquently. tonight i went to a reconciliation service at church and made my first confession in 4 years. confession is a funny thing. i know i like it, i know i feel like 5 20-ton boulders have been lifted off of me after i actually speak those words out loud to another human being in front of God and then hear the words of forgiveness spoken. for some reason though, it's really hard to make myself go. i think that part of it is that as people we hate coming to terms with our own failures and mistakes. i always used to like to say that i have no regrets, but that's silly. there are things that i would change if i had them to do over again. things i've done and known that they were wrong while i was doing them. yes, i've learned and grown, but all the same i'd take them back if i could. and i think it's just really hard to admit that and to admit that i make huge screw ups and that i'm not always the person i'd like to be. our society is so focused on the idea that we're all wonderful and unique and that we should love ourselves to the point that we can't see our own faults. but i know i'm not perfect and that when i stop trying to make myself better or fix things that are problems in my behavior and choices, i will be in for some serious problems. i think coming to terms with that is the first step in changing and moving past it. so tonight, i feel like i've really left some baggage behind and that i can continue my life with a clean slate and an open heart. which is good, since i'm helping to lead a retreat for the youth at my church starting tomorrow.

southby southwho

2007-03-19T15:38:00.000-07:00

so this past week was SXSW. for those of you that don't know, it's the time when austin is inundated with hipsters and posers and industry folk (as though we don't have enough of those already). they bask in our climate, our culture, our laid-back vibe while us working stiffs slave away in "pods." obviously i didn't partake in most of the happenings.

saturday night however, the one "industry" person i know came in town. tess's friend christian is a promoter/PR chick for a bunch of texas artists and so we tagged along with her to a derailers show at the broken spoke. i must confess, that is the one and only honky tonk i have ever felt an affinity for. anytime i walk in there i feel the need to be spun around in circles by a man in a cowboy hat. after about three hours there, we decided to head to an irish pub downtown, what with it being st. patty's day and all. we were about to pull out of the parking lot when these two long-haired california hippies came running up to tess's VW bug and asked if we could give them a ride downtown. they said they were supposed to play a show in 20 minutes and there were no cabs. i asked what band they played for and the one with red hair said lions in the streets. i believe he was typecast. see?

so we rushed them downtown and felt important and helpful being that we saved their day. of course we couldn't find parking at midnight on a saturday during southby, so we just went to magnolia and ate mud queso and bonded with the kind hippie...

then we ended up wandering over to saxon pub for the end of some other guy's set. all in all, the night just made me remember how much i love austin in all its randomness and how i am an old lady that loves her sleep.

as an aside, if you do not already live in austin: it sucks, you will hate it, do not move here. PLEASE. i beg of you.

babies

2007-03-15T19:56:00.000-07:00

my favorite 2.5 year old visited this weekend with my favorite mommy of a 2.5 year old. it was an amazing weekend filled with parks and walks and great weather and mexican food and good, long, loving talks. definite woman-bonding that i needed badly. however, i must say that spending 5 days with a toddler reminds me of how NOT ready i am to be a mom. someday, but definitely any day soon. anyway, pictures to share with you:

moving too fast for my photo taking skills

loooooooooooove the curls, although i'm sure she'll curse them someday.

that's how to show your teeth

i like throwing babies around...and doing somersaults in a skirt

grump-o

2007-03-06T16:52:00.000-08:00

ever have one of those days when the universe conspires to annoy the hell out of you? i always believe that happiness is a daily decision we make, and today i'll honestly say that i decided against it. tomorrow i'll hoist myself out of this drudge, but today i'm down in the pits wallowing in it.

first day back to work since thursday and so the first report was expected be a little bumpy. but by the third call or so when someone asked me if i needed a dead body to take a report, i'd had about enough. the man called and said, "my 13 year old daughter called me crying from school this morning and wants me to come pick her up." pause.....pause.....pause (that's me waiting for the part about abuse or neglect). so this man had NO information about his child being abused and got pissed at ME about it. puh-lease. normally i'll take a lot of crap off of a lot of people, but not today. do not expect me to come in and fix your custody arrangement with your ex-wife just because you hate her. what makes me so mad about it is that there are other people with valid reports on hold for 30 minutes because of people like him. %$#$#@$!

but the ultimate annoyance came from my coworkers this afternoon. somebody made the mistake of accidentally sending an email to the entire agency. we're talking all of the department of family and protective services for texas. thousands of people. obviously, we did not all need the chart outlining the employees for APS in sector 12 of region 3 or whatever. but what inevitably begins? oh none other than the never-ending chain of reply emails TO THE ENTIRE AGENCY letting us all know that they weren't supposed to be on that list. one woman sent 5 emails asking who originally sent the email and why we were getting all of the responses. answer: because people are technologically retarded in the most fundamental sense of the word. you would think after years of email systems, people would understand the difference between "reply" and "reply to the whole freakin world." but apparently not. so that lovely distraction plagued the majority of my afternoon.

finally, there was the awesome video on CNN about that teenage uncle that showed his 5 and 3 year old nephews how to smoke weed. "he was gonna do it someday anyway. but i'm really sorry for what happened. you guys are just blowing this out of proportion." can someone please tell me what is wrong with people in this world????? some days i'm so worried about our future.

it's days like today that i can sympathize with good ole britney shaving her head.

assassination vacation

2007-03-05T11:47:00.000-08:00

hello dears, i'm back from my trip to our nation's lovely and somewhat pretentious capitol. i'll spare you all of the details of the trip, but will say that it was half wonderful, half horrible. obviously i will omit the bad.

went to georgetown friday and discovered that it really isn't my scene. don't get me wrong, i love jcrew's clothes, i just don't want to feel like i'm in the catalogue while at a bar. this is me laughing at all of the old money:

From DC

saturday we went to my aunt's performance at the kennedy center. a midsummer night's dream is already confusing enough with words, but when you're supposed to understand the whole thing via ballet moves, well let me just say it comes across as though shakespeare was spending a whole lot of time in opium dens while writing it. but anyway, we had seats so close that you could hear the dancers breathing, so that was neat.

From DC

spent the rest of the afternoon wandering around/eating with my aunt and uncle. they've always been some of my favorite relatives, although i've recently realized how little i know about them. it was pretty nice getting to know them as an adult.

From DC

sunday we went to some of the monuments. standing in the jefferson memorial i kind of had to laugh at him. yes he was a great statesman, blah blah blah. but he owned slaves while he preached about the equality of all men (and don't even get me started on the rights of women). but, his memorial is very well done and we do all have our flaws i suppose. the lincoln memorial, on the other hand, is one of my favorite places ever. to think that such an incredibly divisive leader could accomplish such great things is inspiring to me. it's just too bad that our currently divisive leader doesn't have the same effect. standing beneath lincoln's towering monument, i was especially glad that i had re-read sarah vowell's chapter that is devoted to that wonderful president. that way, i could think about all of the exciting secrets that i knew nobody else there knew about him. for example, this giant man had a sqeaky, miniscule voice, not the thunderous boom that we imagine. also, edwin booth, the brother of john wilkes booth, saved lincoln's son from being hit by a train. neat, huh? i also couldn't help but think about the other great man that followed in lincoln's steps and made his mark in that same spot. how amazing it would have been to stand along the reflecting pool when martin luther king jr. made his historic speech and changed the world forever.

From DC

finally, i ended my trip in baltimore. i don't like to make rash judgments, but i will say that the small part of the town that i saw was pretty dumpy. no offense b-town, i'm sure you're filled with lovely residents and unique shops. maybe someday i'll go exploring there (to see poe's historical landmarks) and see the friendlier side of tracy turnblad's hometown.

in the end i think i realized a few things, some of which i'm willing to share. 1. DC is amazing because at every turn you're confronted with the rocky history of our nation. the good, the bad, the horrific, it's all there and it's made us who we are today. 2. i do not want to live so far from my family that my brother and sister's children will not know me until they are in their mid-twenties. 3. nothing makes me appreciate my beloved, amazing austin like visiting a colder, busier, more uptight city. going to HEB this morning made me happier than ever before. i love the sights, sounds and feel of this town. it just fits. 4. i miss jen. it was truly lovely talking to her and i do need to go visit her before she hightails it back to texas.

bread of life

2007-02-25T20:22:00.000-08:00

so blogger changed. if you read this and don't have a blog then that means nothing to you, but it was an interesting surprise for me tonight. it's probably part of while i will not be deleting my blog just yet (something i've been considering for a while). i mean come on, i just went through the strenuous two-minute process of upgrading this thing, you think i'll abandon it now?? on to the important things...

work, work, work. i tried, and i think succeeded, to stop talking about that place on here. but now, i must discuss at least a little. the past few weeks have been particularly difficult for me and i don't really know why. there was a brief period during which NOTHING at work bothered me and i was pretty worried about that fact. but now that things are bothering me, i'm almost wishing for my apathy back. my days have been filled with sexual abuse which is always a ball of happiness. then there have been several people, one in particular that yelled at me on friday, that have made me feel bad and frustrated and told me i'm killing their children. and finally there was the strangest case i've heard so far that involved rattlesnakes, children and meth - always an exciting combination.

so needless to say, when i sat down in church today i felt like i was about to burst. i was thinking about the things i hear and the fact that i could have been quite content in my life never even having imagined them. the things people do to each other, to their supposed loved ones, to defenseless chlidren, elderly and disabled people. i was feeling so disappointed in humanity and tears were welling up in my eyes. and then, i looked around. i looked at the smiling faces of old men hugging each other. i looked at the family in front of me with the disabled and always joyful son who recites every prayer so loudly. i looked at the fathers helping their tiny children into the pews. i looked at our devoted and loving priest. and just like that my faith in people was restored and a sense of peace came over me.

what i love about my church is that it is nothing glamorous. it isn't filled with wealthy or extraordinary-looking people. they are ordinary, often plain people from every imaginable walk of life. and we come together every week to celebrate a faith that tells us that there is hope for the people i hear about at work. a faith that teaches us that there is always hope that people can and will change. and a belief that God is with us every second of every day and that what i do at work follows His call for us to help the least among us. and that makes me happier than any job ever could.

sunday mornings i miss you the most

2007-02-12T15:03:00.000-08:00

i feel i need to blog, if nothing else than to move the pity-party of a previous post on down the page. alliteration anyone?

today has been lovely. i may have discovered the way to enjoy my mondays off. sleep in, eat breakfast/watch ellen, clean, looong workout, shower, read, nap, do laundry. the perfect mix of productivity and relaxation. hopefully sometime soon i'll be volunteering at a food pantry for 3 hours every monday. after all, somebody's gotta direct people to the green beans.

recently i have:

learned to appreciate yoga it's something i used to loathe. relaxation my big toe. when you are particularly NOT flexible, contorting your body is painful and not peaceful. however i've found a kind that is "power" yoga and seems more like it should be hard work and i like it.

restarted soccer. technically first game is tomorrow against the team that won the summer league. now we have full-sized goals instead of the ones 3 year old use. yay. we won't get pummelled at all. oh and we have the worst name in the league. again. but i'm looking forward to it all the same.

purchased a $10 ticket to DC for the beginning of march. it's like 10 degrees up there all the time. it's 60 something today in austin. i will freeze and whine endlessly no doubt. but i will love the sites and i get to see my aunt sing in an opera at the kennedy center (tickets pending) and i'll be in marvelous company. it will be fun and i'll be sure to share stories, pics, etc. when i come back.

thrust myself into the realm of uber-involvement at church. as i've mentioned previously, i'll be working with the social justice committee on thursday nights. beginning tonight i'm also brain-washing teens into signing their souls over to the pope (i.e. teaching confirmation classes) and then next week i'll begin leading a lenten bible study. who on earth decided that i would be a suitable spiritual guide for these adorable little balls of teenage madness, i will never know. but i'm leading them all the same. be afraid. and then there's the aforementioned mondays at the food pantry. my once blank schedule has suddenly be filled. it should be a nice change of pace.

been asked to be a "skilled user" for a program at work. this means i'll have to help everyone else troubleshoot their problems. this could be a problem considering the fact that i can't even get into the program with the password and username i was given. think there are super duper skilled users to help me?

i'm currently attempting to grow my hair out. i have dreams in which my hair is long, flowing and adorably styled. i wake up and it's just short and awkward. this too shall pass.

i am boring and unfunny. monday's will do that to you.

ho hum

2007-01-30T19:36:00.000-08:00

sometimes i feel like i get sucked into the whole listener-friend role too far. i know it's something i have patience for and that i enjoy, but every once in a while it feels like that's all i do. i listen to people at work. i give them space, i give them time, i give them the best advice i can. then some days it feels like i come home and do the same with friends. it gets hard for me and becomes very frustrating when i try to switch roles when i get home. every now and then a girl just needs somebody to listen with enthusiasm to the things she has to say - silly or significant.

..that and PMS sucks. :)

feel pretty blissfully

2007-01-28T15:53:00.000-08:00

thursday night i went to my first social justice committee meeting. it was a pretty ineresting mix of people, each with their own very personal reasons for the being there. we discussed the beatitudes (blessed are the poor in spirit, etc.) and i saw it all in a new light. there was a lot of emphasis on coming into the ministry humbly with the intent of working with the poor as equals and not as their saviors. i really like the idea of what i'll be doing through the committee - i.e. helping people get their citizenship, assisting people with affordable housing and just generally working for justice in the community. until now i've basically just talked and thought about those issues, so it's time to step up and do my part. we'll see how well i do at this one....

other exciting events in my life include orly's visit this weekend. last night we went to her little sister's birthday party. walking up to the house we already felt old and had labeled ourselves the babysitters for the night. once we got inside, we situated ourselves on the couch to watch the drama that is a college party unfold. about 10 minutes into it, orly's sister came up and told us that one of her friends had said, "what's with the couch crew? it's like they're just staring at everybody." she has some very perceptive friends. we left shortly after.

in the realm of work, i've found that it could be a doorway to my next relationship. a mentally ill woman, who sounded like she's off her medication, asked me out on a date after calling me names throughout her call. she just wanted to get a drink. a coke. not a coca cola, but a soda. i told her i had to get off the phone so i could help her. she told me i hope i'd starve. it was so sweet and fairly accurately reflects my current romantic prospects. it's pretty sweet.

soccer (with the lamest team name in the history of man) starts in a couple of weeks, i'll be sure and relay the play by play action for you all on a weekly basis!

the cold is going to my head

2007-01-17T17:12:00.000-08:00

From icy weather

since we've had such crap weather lately, i've had plenty of time to spend worrying about important things. for instance, i've come to notice all of my little quirks recently, like following a very strict morning routine. i'm such an absent-minded moron that if i don't do everything in a certain order, i'll end up getting out of the shower with conditioner still in my hair or leaving the house without deodorant. a couple of my closest friends were actually pretty surprised to learn that about me. it's funny even to me that i need such specific patterns of behavior to keep my life organized, but at the same time i need change in my life every few months or i go crazy.

i've also come to realize just how much my life is reflected in the films i watch. two examples: legends of the fall and stomp the yard. much like brad pitt's character tristan, i too am my parents' middle and favorite child who is destined to be a legend. and then who could forget the time i fought a bear and when i travelled around the world on a sailboat. still, i could closely relate to the main character in stomp the yard, dj. i also tragically lost a sibling during a fight immediately following a dance off. fortunately, i had the luck of being courted by two of my university's most respected greek organizations because of my dancing skills. battling in step competitions is challenging because they don't really give me the freedom to incorporate all of my street style, but a the same time, it's more rewarding than i would've ever imagined. i hope you too have the blessing of seeing your life mirrored on the big screen.

enough idiocy for now...

worthy of its own post

2007-01-12T17:13:00.000-08:00

this week i have kindled a deep and burning adoration for black bean burritoes with pico, sauteed onions and spinach. it's been my happy place.

i am a HUGE dork

2007-01-08T19:48:00.000-08:00

those of you that know me personally are well aware of innumberable examples of that fact. however, i'd like to share some of the most recent evidence that has come to light. perhaps in chronological order?

1. i went rock climbing. i know what you're thinking. "that's not dorky, that's adventurous and brave and awesome." you would be right in any case other than mine. i wore my rosie the riveter shirt, the irony of which my companion was more than happy to point out to me as i almost cried about COMING BACK DOWN. going up i wasn't so much scared, but the whole leaning all the way back and trusting the guy on the ground (who had been playing with his cell phone and asking me how his arms looked) thing just wasn't working for me at first. i got over it, but looked like a complete moron for about 10 minutes of it. anyway, it was fun and i'd love to find someone new (since the man that introduced me to it has moved far away) that can take me again and provide me gear and make sure i don't die. any takers?

2. i talked my family into making brussell sprouts with christmas dinner. i actually requested and then pestered for them to be added to the delicious menu of prime rib. de-lish and l-ame.

3. tess and i went shooting at an indoor range today. being the cool girl that i am, i had to go for the 9 millimeter. sounds powerful and assertive, yes? no. not when the casings fly back and hit you in the face and leave little black circles of soot all over your face. and most definitely not when one flies back and hits you in the chest and leaves a burn so bad that you get a blister. honestly though, i kinda hope it scars. how kick ass would it be to say i got the scar from shooting my 9? no? ok, maybe not.

4. pretty much none of my jokes are funny. they're just dumb. which begs the question, why do people laugh at me? (no answer needed, think i just figured that one out.)

that's all for now. there are some big things in the works for me right now. possibly getting on an inter-faith committee focused on social justice (workers' rights, immigration, etc.) and then something else that may be the biggest decision i've ever made. don't want to jinx myself though by throwing it all out there. just keep your fingers crossed for me.

i promise to update more often than i have been. just trying not get on here and right about work and all of that depression.

wish you all well!

a brief hiatus

2006-12-10T20:36:00.000-08:00

i haven't written in a long time for a few reasons, the biggest one being i haven't felt like it. tonight, i feel like writing in bullet form (as popularly seen on jen and diane's brilliant blogs). my paragraph entries seem to have been a bit serious and boring lately, so maybe this will spice things up.

in the past few weeks i have:

*loved the sight of town lake at sunset every day
*read and worked out basically every day and am feeling much better because of it
*renewed and deepened my friendship with the ever so sweet and beautiful kristen
*started dreaming of/looking at houses for next year
*decorated cookies
*cut my hair twice and been told by an older woman at work that my hair was "cool" and reminded her of her youth
*travelled to the homeland and oklahoma where my cousins are making me prouder than they know
*cooked yummy soup
*swapped stories about little ones with my daddy (he's training to be a CASA volunteer)
*eaten the BEST MEAL OF MY LIFE. this is not exaggeration. at all.
*talked to callers about several people that threatened to or quite probably attempted to kill their children
*realized that happiness is a conscious decision we make each day by not getting caught up in the monotony and let downs of daily life
*found a deeper sense of who i am
*been happy, VERY happy
*laughed until i cried
*given and received amazing hugs
*gone to meditation at church
*almost cried at church because it makes me so happy
and finally, tonight i played the Virgin Mary in a skit for the youth group. i believe i was type cast. ;)

in the next few weeks i plan to:
*finish my christmas shopping (hopefully tomorrow!)
*finish another book
*cook more yummy soup
*up my workout regimen
*improve my spelling (i've had to use a dictionary like 5 times while writing this)
*conquer my advent goals
*hug and love on my family for the 2.5 short days i'm home for christmas
*find something fun to do for new year's
*go rock climbing and probably die

ok, so i actually do have to share a story and for this purpose the bullet form entry fails me. but yes. we have these neighbors that i'm pretty sure are a household of gay men (they are attractive, well-dressed and giggle a lot while chasing each other around the pool). anyhow, they like to make polite conversation when they're sitting on their porch. which is like every day. and for some reason, i can never say anything that is even half-way intelligent or funny to them. example one: a few weeks ago i was walking in from work. they asked me if i was a teacher because i was wearing my security ID from work and well, i guess i just give off that teacher vibe. i said that i worked for the state and they responded with, "uh oh, don't arrest us." my brilliant retort? "don't abuse any children!" wow. genius.

then tonight, i was leaving for church. there was music playing in zilker park for the trail of lights. one of the guys said, "sounds like we're missing out on hillbilly carols." and yet again, my stunning and articulate self replied with, "it's loud."

i'm sure they think i have mental issues at this point and any continued communication will be pure sympathy. and sadly, i'm kind of ok with that.

a life goal

2006-11-21T19:42:00.000-08:00

i've always wanted to adopt what i like to call a rainbow of children. for years i've had this vision of myriad children from foreign countries living under my happy and healthy roof, escaping the life of difficulty that faced them in their home countries.

recently that vision has changed. working where i do and hearing what i do on a daily basis, i've realized how many precious babies - young and old - in my own state desperately need loving homes. i now know what it takes for a child to be permanently removed from a home and it horrifies me. my department has a page (http://www.dfps.state.tx.us/Adoption_and_Foster_Care/About_Adoption_and_Foster_Care/)* where you can actually see pictures of the thousands of children looking for homes where they can be safe and healthy and loved and as normal as they can be after what they've lived through.

someday, i will have one of those homes.

*warning: if you are at all inclined to crying over children you do not know, this website will certainly do the trick. for me, looking at it helps to bring a face to what i do everyday and makes me believe in the power of redemption.

on a more uplifting note, my roommate is currently downstairs helping santa spit up in our living room. week after thanskgiving (next week for the calendarily challenged) the decorations are on like donkey kong and our home will look like santa had a full-on new year's day pukefest across our living room and up the stairs. suh-weet.

i work in a cube

2006-11-15T19:28:00.000-08:00

which first of all is something i thought i'd never do. but on top of this, my work thinks that they are creative by calling our cubicles "pods" and that just creeps me out. ok, just needed to get that out.

yesterday and today i realized that there is one thing that is going to DRIVE ME CRAZY at work. no, it isn't all of the drug addicted crazies that want to tell me their life stories. it's the girl in the pod across from me. every 1.35 minutes she makes this insanely irritating, absolutely disgusting guttural noise. it's like she's clearing her throat, except instead of phlegm she has a tiny troll lodged behind her larnyx and he's putting up one hell of a fight. i don't know that this sound can be adequately represented by the characters of the english language, but it's something like cggdggggghuuuuuuuuuughx (the x being silent). yeah, that definitely does not do it justice. IT'S DISGUSTING!

everytime she does it i gag and sometimes throw up a little in my mouth. and that can't be good for my esophagus. i asked someone if this was an ongoing thing, and she told me that the chick only does it during allergy season. in case you're not from austin, allergy season lasts about 12 months a year, so that's awesome.

one of my favorites

2006-11-14T19:01:00.000-08:00

Hope is the thing with feathers –
That perches in the soul –
And sings the tune without the words –
And never stops – at all –
And sweetest – in the Gale – is heard –
And sore must be the storm –
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm –

I've heard it in the chillest land –
And on the strangest Sea –
Yet, never, in Extremity,
It asked a crumb – of Me.

it hit me

2006-11-08T20:03:00.000-08:00

today was sad. there's no other word for it. for some reason the calls just hit me a lot harder than they have so far. i listened to a grandmother sob into the phone because her daughter is a meth/pot dealer/ and addict. her daughter has a one year old child that she has taken with her to stay at one of her meth/pot dearler/user friend's houses. i almost choked up when she told me she just didn't know what to do anymore. her daughter had the parenting skills you would expect from anyone that is addicted to meth or is dealing meth. the baby is in so much danger, but i am SO limited by what the law allows me to do with her case. it was just frustrating beyond belief. but i struggled and kept my cool and promised the woman that she had done the right thing by calling us and that i was going to do everything i could to help that tiny baby.

what was even worse though came from a school nurse. as she described the injuries on a tiny 9 year old boy, i really did have to fight back the tears. i will never understand how or why people think that punching and beating children is an effective form of discipline. the boy and his siblings were emaciated and bruised. but what i think will leave the most lasting marks is the emotional abuse they suffer. they are told on a daily basis that they are horrible and worthless. this little boy told the nurse that he beats up his 7 year old brother to keep his brother from being like him. the 9 year old was afraid all the time and he wanted to make his little brother tougher than he is. children should never be afraid that they will nto get enough to eat or have a place to sleep or that their parents are going to beat them when they get home. it was a conscious effort on my part to forget that family's address.

so many of the things i hear at work honestly don't effect me. if i let each call sink in, i'd never get anything done. but then there are the days that make me angrier and sadder than i've ever been in my life. how these people can squander the gift of a child is beyond me. i hope that when i return to teaching i remember the stories i hear at work this year, and continue to fight for the unprotected.

the lives of adults

2006-11-06T20:27:00.000-08:00

it seems that the older i get, the more complicated things can become.

a good friend of mine is going through a horrible break up right now. i'm beginning to realize that as relationships become more serious and adulthood tightens its grip on our lives, breaking up becomes an entirely different ball game. we are no longer able to get pissed at or annoyed with our significant others and abruptly cut them out of our lives. with every romantic endeavor, the stakes become higher and the wounds of lost love cut so much deeper. everything is just so COMPLICATED. and to that i want to say: idontlikeitiwanttobetinyagain.

however, in another realm of grown-upness, things are much less scary and/or daunting. work is loooooooooovely. today i was the only one in my training class allowed to take phone calls all by my lonesome (i.e. i did not have a peer trainer listening to my calls OR checking over my reports before i sent them to the field, i.e. i did my job for reals.) in the outside world, this probably does not sound like such an accomplishment. but, in my little head, i'm quite proud of what it says about me and either my skills, knowledge charisma OR my ability to fool people into thinking i have skills, knowledge and charisma. either way, i think it to be a sign of greatness. ...oh, and i spoke to my first clinically insane person today on the phones. she was craaaaazy, and i do mean that in the technical sense. it's funny how you can sense the mental illness immediately. of course, it did help ohsoverymuch that she told me she was in shoal creek hospital. but anyway, i do feel that i got her a bit of help, so that's always nice.

finally, i feel i must honor my latest pick for parents of the year. i got a call about a father that was pulled over for a traffic stop. after veering across lanes of oncoming traffic and landing in a ditch, he looked at his 10 year old daughter and said "i'm not going back to jail, i'm running" and proceeded to abandon her in the car. OF COURSE, drug dogs alerted to the car (but didn't find anything) and dad has a history of drug problems. turns out that the little girl, 10 years old mind you, has already been in trouble with the law and the family has only been in the area for less than a month.

but wait, remember how i said parentS of the year? so mom comes to pick up the little girl from the police station and looks like a meth addict. after about 45 minutes inside at 11PM, she says that they should probably go because her FIVE YEAR OLD CHILD is ASLEEP IN THE CAR. with the car running.....

smiley life

2006-10-23T21:21:00.000-07:00

after a lovely visit by my sister, callie, the not-so-tiny-anymore-but-oh-so-in-her-terrible-twos baby kylie, jen, diane (girls i love you and our bimonthly 2 hour talks) and clay, i've realized something wonderful: i am quite content with my life right now. i can happily say that things in my life are just how i want them to be (with very few exceptions).

i live in a wonderful apartment in the best part of town with an amazing roommate. everything i want to experience in austin is practically within walking distance of my home.

i have a job that means something to me and coworkers i enjoy being with inside and outside of work. i've had the opportunity to experience some eye opening things through those people.

i lead a relatively stress-free life with no really pressing obligations when i come home from work (quite different from last year). although i do miss teaching, it is nice to have so much freedom with my evenings.

i'm part of the most inspiring church i've ever attended. i volunteer with the youth group there and am really happy to have "kids" again. it's extremely diverse in age, race, socio-economic status, making it a very different experience from growing up in a rich, white episcopalian church. the priests and the parishioners are so incredibly focused on helping the poorest, most down-trodden in this world, which is really what christiantiy is all about. mostly, it's a place where i feel myself growing and becoming a better person while being part of something so much bigger than myself.

and of course, i'm lucky enough to call some of the most amazing people on this earth my friends and family.

all of these things bring a smile to my face every morning when i wake up and every evening when i lie in bed. life is good, yes it is.

rockstars, rockstars everywhere

2006-10-15T21:39:00.000-07:00

i swear every man i meet in this town is some sort of musician. it doesn't even impress me anymore. most times i just smile politely and change the subject. how sad is that?

jigga what

2006-10-10T17:20:00.000-07:00

i've been in training at my job for almost three weeks now and today i got to take my first calls with a peer trainer. i haven't written much about what i do because of confidentiality issues (i.e. my not knowing what i can and cannot say to people outside of work about what happens at work). but today was a big one, and i feel like sharing my experience.

we were paired up with a peer trainer that listened in while we received the reports of abuse. my first call was from someone that meant to reach the spanish unit, so that was a short and sweet transfer. and then, the real fun began. i heard about a 7th grader whose mother called a boy she had been talking to and said "listen to this" and then tied her up and beat her with a belt; a newborn whose coke addicted/former heroin addict mother was breast-feeding her while on methadone treatments (and has 6 other children at home); a 9 year old who was suicidal because he is living in a house where mom, mom's boyfriend and two older siblings smoked and dealt "trash bags full of weed" and where he doesn't get food or clean clothes; and last, but not least, a five year old who was raped by her 14 year old uncle and whose 3 year old sister is now being molested by a neighbor.

the good things about this job: i start the process for these kids getting help. i don't know the kids. seeing their little faces would make the process impossible for me. my coworkers have a good sense of humor. we find things to laugh about when we can. i'm learning some really valuable people/interviewing skills. and finally, i never have to bring my job home.

so that's the life of my right now. hope you all feel thoroughly informed.

it's science, and we don't argue with science.

2006-10-05T20:33:00.000-07:00

driving home from soccer last night, i passed the flag football league that plays near my house. it sparked a brilliant revelation: there is a very distinct hierarchy in the level of attractiveness of men that play different sports. i shared my theory with tess and she agreed with a few points of dissent. let me elaborate.

at the top of the sport-playing-attractiveness chart (to be referred to as SPA from here on) are a quite obvious group: the soccer players.

soccer-playing men earn their coveted status for a couple of reasons. 1. the level of skill and pure athleticism involved in the game. these men are IN SHAPE. 2. the international factor. hot foreign men with smokin accents play this sport throughout the world. it's a virtual shmorgusboard of attractive athletes. (questionable spelling, i know.) 3. the general attitude of this group. sure you have your occasional zidane, but overall they tend to be laid-back, cool guys with good taste in music. 4. most of them are hot. really hot.

just below these men is a tie between what i like to call the adventure sports and the cyclists/runners. this includes kayakers, climbers, triathletes, etc.
again, the level of athleticism required factors in as well as the nature of the sports themselves. they tend to be a bit less caught up on ego and more focused on achieving an admirable goal.

next on the SPA are the lacrosse players. don't really know why. perhaps i like foreign sports a bit?

below these men are the basketball players. the fact that other nations have begun to beat our spoiled athletes in this area helps to secure the spot for them as a whole.

rugby players fit in somewhere down here. attitudes tend to knock them down a few spaces.

next we have baseball players. cute butts, cocky attitudes. that about sums it up.

football players. not that impressed. you play for 4 seconds at a time and then take a minute break. and what's with all the pads? suck it up and be a man.

finally, we have tennis players, golfers and bowlers. perhaps they will move up the SPA with age, but i seriously doubt it.

so there you have it. men everywhere take note.

now i'm really sure

2006-10-02T05:40:00.000-07:00

i saw the nilla stealer again yesterday at heb. we were in the baking aisle. he grabbed enough salt to either cure a deer or keep a body preserved for about a month. it was MUCH creepier than stealing nillas.

back to the grind

2006-09-27T18:51:00.000-07:00

the past three days i've been stuck in 5 o'clock traffic. this is a good thing. it is a very good thing in that it means i am once again gainfully employed. sadly i'm not teaching this year, but i still feel that my new job is just as meaningful. i'm working as an intake specialist for the state's abuse line. i'll be fielding abuse and neglect reports for CPS, APS and AFC. today i sat in on calls on the floor and realized just how painfully important the work is. people do horrific things to one another in this world. the things i heard baffle the mind...and it's just the first day of calls. it's nice to know that i'll help make a difference in the lives of those who need it the most, but i just hope that what i hear doesn't darken my view of the world.

the kinkster

2006-09-22T08:16:00.000-07:00

kinky's coming under fire from his opponents over things he's said in the past. what i love about him is that he doesn't back down or back step. he simply says that they're playing partisan games that are beneath him. he has a great response statement on his webpage, but i found an article in the back issues of texas monthly that i think really sums him up much better. an exerpt:

"In my bright college days we pretty much took for granted that Austin was far more progressive than the outlying provinces. Looking back, I’m not so sure that was entirely true. In the early sixties there was a place called the Plantation Restaurant at the corner of the Drag and what was then Nineteenth Street. It was open 24 hours, many of which were spent by me and my friends drinking endless cups of blue coffee and solving the problems of the world as we knew it—and I think that, at times, we very possibly knew the world better then than we know it now. One thing that didn’t really seem to register at the ol’ Plantation, however, was that, among the bikers, fraternity boys, and square-dance clubs, there were no black patrons. It took me awhile, but as a card-carrying member of Students for a Democratic Society, I finally lamped upon this inequity. With my fellow SDSers, we picketed night after night, at last forcing the restaurant to change its policies. Today the Plantation, which I both loved and protested against, is gone, and the street where it used to be is no longer known as Nineteenth Street. It is now called Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard. In a world of shopping malls and glass towers, that, my friends, is real progress."

http://www.texasmonthly.com/mag/issues/2004-12-01/friedman.php

love me some nilla wafers

2006-09-13T21:53:00.000-07:00

i had the strangest thing happen to me today at the grocery store. this is not saying much because strange things generally do not happen to me on my trips to the grocery star. my standard shopping trip consists of baskets and avacados and dora the explorer yogurt and bagels. however today after i gather my items i found myself in line behind a very odd man. he wasn't odd in any of the normal austin ways like that he was wearing a tiger suit or rocking back and forth violently or even speaking some unique combination of farsi and pig latin. he was just odd in that general sense, you know, the serial killer/child molester sense. so there i was, in the 10 items or less line at my local HEB trying to avoid eye contact with this man. i carefully placed my products about two feet away from his on the conveyor belt AND placed the handy plastic divider between our groceries. none of that man's creepiness was going to sneak its way through the solid barrier i had erected. so i continued staring at trash magazines and wondering WHY on earth anyone cares if brad and angelina are going to randomly run into jen and vince at some hollywood party and WHERE on earth the inquirer found the batchildvampire. i casually glanced up to check the progress of mr creepy's purchase when i noticed that MY nilla wafers had been scanned and were awaiting bagging along with his latex gloves and blood stain remover and 20 mr goodyear bars. at first i thought it was a mistake and was about to politely point it out to the cashier when i suddenly remembered my strategery ( to borrow a word from mr. W). there is no way the cashier mistook MY nilla wafers for one of mr creepy's items unless he actuallly picked them up and moved them to the other side of the plastic barrier thingy. MY NILLA WAFERS! HE STOLE THEM*. WHO STEALS OTHER SHOPPERS' GROCERIES? better yet, WHO STEALS NILLA WAFERS? i was shocked and felt violated and icky. then i laughed, took it as a sign that i did not need calories from nilla wafers and drove home. but still, it's strange and strangely entertaining.

*i realize that this action does not technically constitute stealing since i had not yet purchased them. but they were clearly mine and i was clearly planning on paying good money and then enjoying their scrumptiousness for days on end. and have you eaten nilla wafers lately because they are amazing and will fill your heart with joy and make you feel like a 3 year old again. besides, it was still a crap move on his part.

the asian cajun wedding

2006-08-13T20:08:00.000-07:00

he's married now...that's odd
Originally uploaded by marmahan.

i spent the weekend in dallas (ick) seeing OLD friends and attending the best wedding i've seen so far. there was a lot of apprehension on my part going into the weekend just because i was knew i'd see all the people i hung out with in college but stopped talking to after graduation. i assumed that it would be filled with awkwardness and thankfully i was wrong. it was really nice to see those old faces and catch up with people i really enjoy being around. almost makes me reconsider my disdain for engagements and weddings. just almost though.

the team

2006-07-25T22:34:00.000-07:00

mini-post

2006-07-24T22:20:00.000-07:00

today was a happy day. after cutting and pasting and covering myself in adhesive and trying to be cute and teachery, i finished my research presentation for my master's. seriously, this type of thing is exactly why i was NOT an elementary ed. major. pretty sure i failed both cutting and glue usage in kindergarten and my skills have improved little since. besides, it's not really my style. in my classroom you'd never find anything "adorable" or "neat." the bulletin boards last year were often littered with clippings from the onion and morbid student illustrations of the works we read. i like it better that way.

but thank the LORD i got to relieve my stress this afternoon by fetching jen from the airport and then driving immediately to magnolia cafe where we literally gorged ourselves. seriously, my stomach is engorged and i'll have to not eat for about 3-4 days to make up for my lack of self control. all the same, it was positively delightful to sit across the table from this amazing woman and listen to her recount her adventures in san fransisco. she and diane were like my surrogate super hip and witty older sisters in college. i cannot wait until they come back on friday and we paint the town red. red i tell you.

tomorrow i drive to college station (yep, that definitely made me vomit just a bit). some of the last steps in attaining my master's. then i'll have 2 degrees and that will officially make me much smarter than many of you. unless i screw things up somehow. i seem to have an uncanny ability to do so. in which case i will simply be a failure. the end.

hotel asha

2006-07-23T16:08:00.000-07:00

life in my new home has brought myriad pleasant surprises over the past 2.5 weeks. team "crown royal" (God help us, i did not choose that name) won our most recent soccer game, helping us to escape the label of worst team in the league. you can track our wonderful season here (http://www.austinssc.com/schedule_soccer2006.html) if you would like. as you can see from names like "playgroud bullies" and "penetrators united," this is meant to be a very light-hearted league. however, we did have 2 players ejected from the game last week and the unexperienced people such as myself get yelled at a lot for "using elbows." whatever, i say use em if you got em. silly refs.

i have found a church home that i adore. the parish is very diverse in every way, is extremely giving and has engaging priests. i love it and plan to get involved in outreach programs for young pregnant girls. it's positively lovely to find a church that makes me excited to attend mass each week.

a very kind and entertaining individual (who will remain nameless simply because i have failed to develop a moniker that meets his incredibly high standards, because i mean seriously, who wouldn't want a nickname like special k) has introduced me to activities that were not available in the good ole lbk. we've done things like attended an old hippie potluck dinner/jam session around the corner from my apartment, watch a risque black and white film at the paramount, eat cuban food and prove my outstanding knowledge of the location of austin comedy clubs. it's been truly wonderful to have a local be so willing to help me find my bearings here. plus it's given me someone new to make fun of.

the most recent development in living here is the opening of our hotel business. the first patrons of our generosity and kindness were callie and her adorable daughter kylie. when i left lubbock, kylie was still struggling to create a name for me. apparently two-syllable names containing that tricky "th" sound are a bit of a challenge for 2 year olds. however, i was presently surprised to discover i have now been given a name and that it will be used with great frequency. i spent the week responding to commands like "asha! mon!" and "asha! dance!" and finally, "asha! more ball!" tess used the visit as an opportunity to equip kylie with a new party trick. she can now gaze at you with innocent eyes and exclaim "i'm tiny" as an excuse for all kind of wrong doing. pictured below is our pleasant little trip to the austin zoo. both kylie and tess were mesmerized by the lions and i have video to prove it.

so now the focus of my life is threefold: (1) finding a source of income (2) preparing for the stream of guests who will be staying with us over the next few months (3) finishing my master's classes (graduation in august if all goes as planned)

we're involved

2006-07-11T21:43:00.001-07:00

post-game
Originally uploaded by marmahan.

so we joined a soccer league although we know nothing about the game other than what we've observed during the world cup. the first game was tonight and it was quite interesting. all of our teammates met each other about 5 minutes before the game and the vast majority of us have never played soccer before. needless to say, we lost the game. but i was proud of our initial efforts and was happy that i didn't screw up too badly. however i did semi-head butt a chick at the beginning of the game while going for a header, so that was awesome.

so my conclusion for the evening: i like soccer, yes i do. and i think i'd like to continue playing in the fall. hooray for new things and new friends.

austin-ite/-ian/-ese, whichever you prefer

2006-07-08T07:59:00.000-07:00

sunrise leaving lubbock
Originally uploaded by marmahan.

i'm in austin now and it makes me grin like crazy. already i've been to whole foods, a kick ass mexican food place on the east side, homeslice and alamo draft house. i realize those all have to do with eating, so to balance that this morning i'm going to zilker to figure out exactly how this game called soccer works (hopefully i'll be successful since we have a game on tuesday) and then i have a whole day filled with fun ahead of me. come visit! we can frolick and cause mischief together.

big baby

2006-07-04T16:54:00.000-07:00

believe it or not, i used to be the sensitive kid when i was little. every time my parents turned around, i was bawling my eyes out over something. some kid would make a small comment and the waterworks would kick in like never before. i would have to guess that a lot of it came from being the baby for the first 8.5 years of my life. you inherently get a lot of attention as the youngest. everyone is always so concerned about you and what on earth is making this sweet angel upset. well that and i was a freakin adorable little kid (see profile picture).

and then, the little brother was born. my mom tells me that when i found out she was pregnant i actually asked her why i wasn't good enough...and so began the middle child syndrome. after james was born, nobody seemed to care as much if i was crying and suddenly it became "whining" (whatever that means). my older sister was tough with a go-get-em attitude and practically never partook in my childish antics. so, as time went on i became less and less sensitive. actually, that really isn't true; deep down i think i probably am the same person. i just started to express it outwardly less.

so now as an adult, i just have this really healthy build up of frustration every few months. recently with the moving and finishing my master's and not having a job, there's already been this nice base level of emotion, but lately a lot of the people i love most have done relatively small things that hurt me and tonight i exploded. tears flowed publicly like they haven't in quite a while and i was instantly returned to my childhood, wishing i was the baby so people found my emotion more appropriate.

but now, i can look forward to the move tomorrow (at 5 am by the way) and know that things WILL be better when i get to austin. i can already feel it.

what have i been up to

2006-06-11T16:08:00.000-07:00

summer is making me feel like tiny kid again. i've swam more this june than i had in the past 4 years. i'm reading voraciously. (see attached picture) i run with the puppy. i eat fruit and dora the explorer yogurt. i go see plays and bands. (again see attached pictures) generally, i have a wonderful and relaxing time. at least for the next 3 weeks or so.

daily view
Originally uploaded by marmahan.

melodrama in the park
Originally uploaded by marmahan.

as the younger, smaller and blonder version of me, i LOVED going to see the play in the park. we'd boo the villain, cheer the hero, throw popcorn and run around like crazy folk. as i expected, the adult experience isn't nearly as fun but it was still good.

and the element
Originally uploaded by marmahan.

chicago john and the element is probably the best band in lubbock. definitely the best band of their type. so when we pulled up to la diosa last night and saw they were playing, we literally screamed "yaaaay." the first time we saw them, however, our reaction was not the same. a lot of the time some really shady people hang out around la diosa asking for money on your way in. the lead singer walked through the door alone and we seriously thought he was a pimp. i mean look at what he wears. and he does look a whole hell of a lot like snoop dogg. so we spent the first five minutes praying that the big pimp man wasn't going to come bug us. but then the rest of the band showed up in their matching outfits and we figured out that the only pimping they were doing was musical in nature. so yeah, they kick ass. except for last night....they were walking around talking to the crowd and i told a couple of members of the band that we loved them and thought their music was awesome. then halfway through the next song a woman with the band came over and handed us a piece of paper. it had the bass player's number on it. yes, the one with the "coming to america" jerry curl. so tess's ability to attract creepy men has reached an all time high. sweet.

so all that sums up my life right now. the next few weeks will bring a beck concert (yay) and a lot of packing (double yay).

but for a lack of providence

2006-06-06T09:36:00.000-07:00

something that's always been a big problem for me: knowing when to keep my mouth shut and when to share my feelings. generally speaking, i get it wrong. i tend to run my mouth off and then spend a lot of time trying to do damage control. it isn't always mean things that i say. i have a horrible tendency to be entirely too open with my romantic feelings; i'll go for the guy, make the first move. and let me be the first to say that's never worked out well.

but then there are the things...the things i know will be hurtful to the other person. things that could permanently ruin friendships. by no means am i quick to say those things. they'll fester in the back of my mind for weeks, months until something triggers the line and they come rushing out.

it's a defense mechanism that's only pulled out on rare occasions. the older i get, the more i pay attention to who and what make me feel secure and happy and appreciated. sometimes i fight the reality of what's dragging me down. it's one of those stupid girl things. but in the past few weeks i have been genuinely happy and i realized that a lot of my stress had been eliminated by not talking to one person. i still don't like the idea that it has to be this way. but today when he tried to talk to me, it happened. i said the things. the terrible things huddled inside me that i knew were true, but i also knew were very hurtful. i hate the idea of burning bridges and i don't like revenge, but i have to think of myself. i just hope this time i made the right choice.

i hate posts like this but...

2006-06-03T21:21:00.002-07:00

spent the night with the ladies. watched the gods must be crazy and appreciated the sociological significance much more than i did as a child. yet another film i highly suggest. if you are open-minded it will blow your mind and shatter concepts about the civilized world. if you aren't, it will at least make a dent and have you smiling in the mean time.

and now....i am feeling entirely too nostalgic. wine has a way of doing that to me. but at least i feel perfectly content seeking solace by slipping into bed in the world's most comfortable dress and cuddling up with a good book.

looks like i'm gonna have to move to vermont...

2006-06-02T15:12:00.000-07:00

because i adore sarah vowell and would marry her if such things were possible and i was into chicks. alas, i am not.

my sister gave me her book partly cloudy patriot for my birthday and you should've seen my face. it's a collection of essays and it makes me very, very, VERY happy. there's nothing quite like finding an author or singer with whom you can connect. especially when you're weird like i am.

if you haven't seen thank you for smoking, run to your nearest theater. seriously. now. it was hilarious and made my heart warm.

last education post for a while...

2006-06-01T09:31:00.000-07:00

what i was told is the funniest thing i said all year in class: "for example, if you walked in looking like someone had just run over your puppy and kicked your mom in the face and i said 'looks like you're in a great mood today,' that's verbal irony.

summer's been very good to me so far and over memorial day i had what was probably the best weekend in years. keep it comin.

your mountain's waiting

2006-05-25T16:07:00.000-07:00

Red 5/6
Originally uploaded by marmahan.

yesterday and today i said a final goodbye to my kiddos (we're on block scheduling). their final exam was short and sweet and MOST of them passed for the year. we read oh the places you'll go by dr. seuss. i told my up dog joke* - eyes rolled, hands slapped desks and a chorus of groans yelled "miss maaaaaaaaaayhaaaaan." several kids gave me flowers, cards and pictures (highlight of my year- no joke) and my white board was littered with well wishes. we took both serious and goofy class pictures. i shared my "teacher" email and myspace, then i made them all line up before the bell to give me a hug before they left. when the bell rang, they all shuffled out the door yelling "good luck" and "we'll miss you."

i didn't cry in front of the kids even once...until the last period of today. i watched everyone leave my classroom and then turned to find 3 of my kids sitting on desks behind me. when i got to them i saw that the girls had tears in their eyes and they told me they didn't want to leave. so of course i lost it. geez these kids are ridiculously awesome and they don't even know it. but anyway, after my girls said their goodbyes, i sat down to read a card another girl had given me.

she is a student that had a lot of trouble last semester. we've spent a few frustrating afternoons and mornings trying to work things out for her. i had always felt that i hadn't quite done what i needed to do for her and i've harbored a lot of guilt because of it. in fact, i wasn't even sure that she liked all that much. i would assume most first year teachers have doubts about the job they're doing and whether their kids learn anything at all. this card that she gave me took away any ounce of doubt i had. here's what she wrote:

"ms. mahan, i just wanted to thank you for a great year, it was both fun and interesting. you're a great teacher, you're smart, easy to talk to and have a good sense of humor. if i didn't have a teacher like you, i probably wouldn't have passed the TAKS. you make me feel smart when you give me help, that's not something every teacher does. you also had the patience to stay after school with me when you could have been doing something else. i find that very considerate. it's sad that you couldn't stay and have to move to austin. it's not every day you find a teacher that makes learning fun and worth while. this card is not enough for what you have done for me, but it is a small token from the bottom of my heart. thanks for the great year, God bless you and good luck in austin."

um, hi. my name is martha and i'm a horrible mess each time i read that card. she gave me every single compliment i could ever wish for as a teacher. it is heart-wrenching. but in a good way if that's possible. when i entered this profession i knew that i wouldn't reach every child and i couldn't fix all their problems. i repeated the mantra "if i reach even just one child, that's enough." looks like i can call this year a success.

*up dog joke (jen, you'll recognize this from fish camp):

"do you guys smell that?"
"what? what's it smell like?"
"it smells....it smells just like up dog."
"what's up dog?"
"nothin much, what's up with you?"

see saw for the next generation

2006-05-21T16:24:00.000-07:00

see saw
Originally uploaded by marmahan.

today i played at the park with my little brother. of course, i managed to injure myself on a child's plaything. i'm so graceful.

a little of this, a little of that

2006-05-18T19:00:00.000-07:00

good: my kiddddddddds. one girl made me a pot in ceramics and wrote a lovely lovely note to accompany it. two girls wrote one last journal entry (not required) just so that i would read them and said nice things about me. children wrote on my board that they will miss me. babies keep asking if i will PLEASE get myspace so they can keep in touch next year. boys told me they're going to make a banner that reads "miss mahan, where are you?" i've been invited back to visit. number of times i've nearly cried in class: 5 billion. tomorrow i read "oh the places you'll go" to one class and it will probably take 2 hours what with all the sobbing and stuttering. i love my job. can i say that again? i LOVE my job. oh, and it's not so bad knowing that i'll be on summer vacation in a week.

bad: stress of a maymester grad class/finishing grading/posting grades/finding a home/finding a job/avoiding inevitable fate of living in a cardboard box. also, i DESPISE the following: people who try to "fix" me, liars, discovering secrets, drama (even when it doesn't involve me), uncertainty and the impending doom that is swimsuit season.

i recently realized that i always relate to the seemingly "messed up" characters in television/film. case in point: dr. yang from grey's anatomy. we react to everything in the same way. like when denny proposed to izzie, i rolled my eyes and gave tess the "you've got to be f-ing kidding me" look. if that's wrong, then i don't wanna be right.

disheartened

2006-05-13T18:32:00.000-07:00

my one day trip to austin didn't quite turn out as planned. friday night was lovely - good friends, good (free) food, good music, etc. today started out really well. we found the PERFECT house and i do mean absolutely perfect. i could picture perfectly where our furniture would go, what our summer evening barbeques would look like, how the wood floors would sound in the morning and how the light would rain down on everything in that illuminating manner. but, it looks like it's taken by someone else. so that blows.

and then there was the job fair. THE school i wanted to work at didn't seem to be all that enthralled by my performance. it's so frustrating because i feel....felt that i am really good at expressing myself. perhaps i'm just not what they're looking for. i visited with several other schools and got some promises of interviews, but left without what i really wanted - a job. can't really help but feel relatively rejected at this moment and that never feels good.

i almost missed my flight due to a lack of planning on my part. and now.....i'm back in lubbock. hooray.

i guess i just wanted everything to fall in place for me this weekend. i know with all of my being that i'm meant to be austin, but i suppose it'll just take a bit more effort than i had originally planned.

sorry for the melancholy. hopefully my kiddos will cheer me up on monday.

no sabemos amar

2006-05-09T19:55:00.000-07:00

"miss mahan, why do we have to take english every year? we already know how to read and write."

"because there is a difference between being able to read and write and being able to read and write WELL. you need to learn how to express yourself in a clear and concise manner." (shouldn't have used words beyond their vocabulary to make that point, although the irony is hilarious.)

kids are tired of school and i'm about to strangle them. gave out lunch detention to 8 kids in one class today. thought i was making vain threats, showed those little bastards. quite afraid that their lack of motivation and whiney-ness will mix with my PMS/end-of-year stress to make a lethal combination for all involved.

searching for jobs and houses in austin this weekend. will be immensely happy when plans are finalized. also happy when using subjects in sentences becomes appealing again.

considering disappearing from this thing and forcing any of you who still read this to have an actual human relationship with me in order to know what's happening in my life. perhaps more optimism after i (GOD PLEASE GOD) find a job this weekend.

you're my star, what do you care

2006-04-27T15:29:00.000-07:00

i'm reading the best book i've read in a very long time. although i've been reading a people's history, i felt like i needed a little something else that was a bit more upbeat. sarah vowell's assassination vacation has been just that. i am excited to read it when i get home. EXCITED. all caps baby. her dry wit has me constantly giggling like a small child. i find myself running in to tell my parents captivating little snippets of history that i've just learned (e.g. did you know that john wilkes booth's older brother edwin saved the life of lincoln's son by rescuing him from train tracks? what??? who knows that?? oh, that's right. i do. thank you ms. vowell). i highly, highly, highly recommend picking up a copy of it. especially if you're a sarcastic little so-and-so who loves learning. some hightlights thus far:

"booth's good looks get a lot of play, but in a lincoln conspirators' beauty pageant, my money's on powell taking home the tiara."

"it is interesting how, once one edits justifications for violence down to a length suitable for t-shirt slogans, political distinctions between left and right disappear."

"trying to be an educational aunt, or as educational as a person can be when a three-year-old is trying to chop her head off, i told him that the act of chopping off a person's head is called 'decapitation' and that a head that's been chopped off is called 'decapitated.'"
***i especially enjoyed this one. i despise the habit of speaking to small children as though they have no more understanding than a household pet. use big words, develop vocabulary at a young age, stop making yourself sound like an idiot.

today i had a horribly eye-opening moment in the world of education. one of my little girls asked if i would help her fill out some forms. she's several months pregnant, living with her boyfriend and has very limited contact with her mother (none with her father). she held a stack of medical forms that would normally be completed under the loving guidance of a parental figure. i was more than willing to put down everything i was doing and help her to understand what she was signing/filling out.

the harsh reality of her situation hit me at that moment. she's a baby; a small child bringing another small child into this world. she's overwhelmed and worried, and rightfully so. as we visited i came to understand just how dire her situation is. they have no money, literally. they are learning to be grown-ups without anyone to show them how. it is heart-breaking. she is a very intelligent girl and she told me that she really wants to graduate. i told her that she HAS to stay in school, but what i did not say is that i cannot imagine how incredibly difficult that will be for her.

the school system really does need to be the source of direction for kids like her (and there are plenty of them out there). i'm going to do anything and everything i can to help her until i leave lubbock. but she is just one solitary kid. we HAVE to develop a system that addresses the realities of teenage pregnancy and supports young girls who make the very challenging and adult decision to keep a child. if we fail these young mothers, we fail their children and in turn fail ourselves.

maaaaaad atchu

2006-04-25T16:27:00.000-07:00

my kids are slowly finding out that i'm leaving. i didn't really intend for it to happen that way, but word has kind of leaked out. so now, every few classes i'll have a kid come up to me and ask me why i'm leaving and how i think i can do that to them and how are they going to come visit me next year??? my last period class today was the best. one of my favorite girls walked up to me in the hall before class and our conversation went like this

"miss mahan, i just want you to know i'm maaaaaaad atchu." (picture this with lots of attitude and neck motion)
"why?"
"because you think you can just leave us. you come all in here and make us do all this work and then just leave."
"awww, i'm sorry. where did you hear it?"
"it don't matter. just know i'm maaad atchu for leavin us. where you goin?"
"i'm moving to austin."

i won't bore you with the details of the rest of the conversation. but to paraphrase, she proceeded to tell me that i shouldn't be a follower and go where everyone else is (tess) and then the rest of my class joined in to tell me how mad they were at me. i promised i would cry the last day. a lot. so they know i love them.

makes me feel like i've done at least something right this year. sooooo incredibly adorable and they will be missed more than they can imagine.

happy easter

2006-04-16T17:32:00.000-07:00

part of the family
Originally uploaded by marmahan.

the mahan-riojas celebration went all out. even tess crashed it for bocce and cascarones. she may have regretted the latter...wishing everyone a blessed day...

oh no, not another learning experience!

2006-04-06T17:20:00.000-07:00

these pictures cannot do justice to the amount of intensity with which my students are approaching the "diagramming challenge" going on in my class right now. i'll have to say that it's the best idea i've had all year and i'll be using it much more efficiently and earlier next year.

in my opinion, diagramming sentences is a horribly interesting and exciting activity. my difficulty in using it in the classroom was finding a way to make at least some of my kids feel the same. looks like i've found it. after a brief introduction to very basic diagramming, i had the kids break into teams (of their choosing) and compete to see which team could devise the correct answer first. each team works together and then sends a representative to the board. before each race you could cut the tension with a knife. the writers are chomping at the bit and when i yell "go" the motion of their little hands sound like rounds of machine gun fire. they scribble the answers to sentences like "paris hilton looks trashy", "some people can flow", and "the real world isn't realistic" as quickly as possible and then scream to have me check their work. meanwhile, the other team members are yelling instructions and cheers from the back of the room.the look of pride on their faces after winning a race just warms my heart. kids. excited about grammar. it's the most exhilirating thing i've done in my classroom. now don't be fooled, it isn't an intrinsic desire that's driving them. they are competing for "free" 100s. but still, their participation and enthusiasm is the kind of thing teachers dream about.

i think the best explanation of this activity was given by one little girl when she told me "miss mahan, we had fun AND we learned things." yes, my dear, yes you did.

also, doing latino/a and then african lit. kids loving it. i'm loving it. happy times in my life right now. all of this made me cry earlier this week while driving home. i really and truly will miss seeing these kids every day. they have become such an important part of my life and i worry about them constantly. not quite sure how i'll manage that last day in may and i'm certain they'll look at me like i'm a blubbering idiot. but i love them and i LOVE my profession. the end. (sorry for the complete lack of eloquence, too much emotion clogging that part of my brain.)

don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys

2006-04-01T15:02:00.000-08:00

or at least a-hole cowboys.

last night i went to a concert with my sister and others. we had a wonderful spot for people watching, so that's just what we did. there was one individual, however, that particularly caught my eye. he was an average-looking cowboy in his upper thirties. time after time we watched him creepily hit on MUCH younger women and then be turned down. i was laughing at what an idiot he was until he started making incredibly obscene gestures at women walking by. finally i had enough. i got up, walked over, tapped him on the shoulder and said "i've been watching you for about 30 minutes now, and i have to say you're the biggest douche bag i've ever seen. these women are not interested in you. grow up, get a life and get over it." then i turned around and went back to my seat. must say it felt damn lovely.

it's eye gouging time!

2006-03-29T17:36:00.000-08:00

if you're one of my oh-so-faithful readers, then you already know what the title of this post means. if you're new or maybe just a little slow, then let me enlighten you. yes, another dear friend bit the dust today and is now betrothed (i just like that word so much more than engaged). but really, they are a fabulous couple and i'm considering asking them to adopt me as soon as possible.

this just in....(i felt like using a broadcasting phrase other than "in other news", wow i'm clever and/or lame as hell) my week has been won-der-ful. it has been filled with smiling, loving my students/what i'm teaching my students, being a healthy little bugger, smiling, being content with my life while daydreaming about how it will be exponentially better quite soon, catching up with old friends, smiling, being evaluated and applauded by the director of my grad program, hanging out with my beautiful/kind/amazing sister, discovering new music and finally......GORGING myself on books. i have realized that i've gotten into the terrible habit of watching entirely too much television. so i have shaken myself from its glow, turned that damned thing off and re-embraced my true love. sunday night i read about 4.3 billion short stories by garcia marquez. it was like crack. (sidenote: insanely ecstatic over my students' appreciation of his writing.) tonight i went insane at barnes and noble. new additions include :

on the road - jack kerouac
the soul in love - various eastern poets
dress your family in corduroy and denim - david sedaris
a people's history of the united states - howard zinn
international women's stories - obviously various authors
from totems to hip-hop (poetry anthology) - again various
the satanic verses - salman rushdie

i could not be more excited about reading all of those (and am a bit embarrassed that i haven't read some of them before now) and feel quite like a child on christmas morning. now comes the hard part - picking which to read first. i know that i will save satanic verses for the summer so that i can truly devote myself to it.

now i must go ready myself for diagramming sentences/being observed by my department head tomorrow. quite possibly the biggest nerd in the world right now, and completely happy with it.

social justice: something to think about...

2006-03-26T12:11:00.000-08:00

excerpt from the leaflet at mass this morning:

"the people of judah suffered the destruction of everything dear to them: their city, their goods and riches, their lives and dear ones, and finally they endured exile in a foreign land. we in america cannot imagine ourselves taken prisoners and exiled to a foreign land because it has never happened to us, although it happens every day to people in other lands, as they are made refugees by the evil done to them by others. we need to face the hard question: is some of that evil being done in our name?

we will be judged in the end, not just as individuals, but as a people. what do our works in the world say about us? can we avoid the judgment that we are as bad as those whome we claim do us evil?"

signs, signs everywhere

2006-03-21T17:31:00.000-08:00

my luck with men has done a 180 in the past two weeks or so. several positive interactions with new and old/forgotten guys have helped me change my outlook on dating. phone numbers and compliments have been given and in turn have made me feel better about who i am in relation to the opposite sex. i don't really understand what it is that has sparked this new interest on their part, but it probably has something to do with the fact that i was doing the complete opposite of looking for someone. now don't get me wrong, most of these guys have not been relationship material simply because they aren't my type. but i think that isn't the purpose they were meant to serve. even if for just a brief moment, they made me feel funny, clever and attractive. it's been quite a pleasant change and i think in some ways it's God's way of saying "you're better than you think and should expect as much from a guy." man, is that horribly cocky of me to think God would take time from creating babies and saving lives to say that to me? i hope not. but trust me, the ego is definitely still in check regardless of any new occurrences.

we do dorky things

2006-03-16T17:04:00.000-08:00

we do dorky things
Originally uploaded by marmahan.

to sum up my spring break: fantastic. i went to a beautiful wedding in dallas with tess on saturday. we stayed at the nicest hotel i have ever been in (and probably ever will be in). the bride was radiant, the groom was beaming and the family was dancing up a storm. all in all the way a wedding should be.

my time in austin was awesome. tess and i drove in on sunday and stayed with sidora (who i miss to a ridiculous extent and for whom i could not be more thankful). we spent monday wandering around south congress as i predicted and drinking margaritas at trudy's. the rest of my time was consumed with playing in parks, eating good food and repeatedly getting lost. i discovered that talking to strangers can be a very good thing and got a tab picked up because of a simple conversation.

however, yesterday topped it all. we met up with robyn and got to see some awesome free day shows at SXSW. i'm now obsessed with a little duo from brooklyn called "matt and kim." kim was the happiest woman i've ever seen and that coupled with her amazing drummer arms caused me to develop quite the woman crush on her. but either way, i suggest you check them out. after the shows we went on a mission for mexican food. jensem had taken me to las manitas before and since it's very close to kev's apartment, we strolled right over. turns out it was a much better idea than i could've imagined. some record label or band or group with SXSW was having a private, free dinner. we didn't know any better and the guy working there told us that "if you don't know, then i don't know" and to " just go for it." so we did. and we got free fajitas, tamales and beer. totally sweet.

so after all that, it completely blows that i'm stuck back in lubbock again. the time there made me feel like i was home and i couldn't be more ready to move there. i've already decided i'm moving with or without a job. perhaps not the smartest move, but i just have this certainty that it's where i'm meant to be. just a few more months though.

in austin

2006-03-13T07:09:00.000-08:00

and happy. you can find me wandering around south congress with a huge smile on my face for the next few days.

oh to be tiny once more

2006-03-07T18:20:00.000-08:00

although men in general aren't at the top of my list these days, a group of them is. i've fallen deeply, madly and passionately in love with the roots. you should as well. i purchased "home grown! the beginner's guide to understanding the roots" and it is phenomenal. last night my dad and i jammed out to it with a glass of wine (highly recommended).

in other news, tess and i decided we wish we were still in kindergarten. this decision is based mostly on the following story from my sister: today one of her students spat on another student in line. we're talking dripping spit. when asked why he did so, his response was (through tears) "i don't know, it seemed like a good idea." if only that excuse still worked for me, my life would be so much easier. and although i wish i was 5 years old again, i do not believe that i could ever teach those little monsters. every natural impulse in my body stands in direct opposition to what you are supposed to do while molding those little minds. take the aforementioned situation, for instance. my response would have gone something like "yeah, you're right. he does kind of suck. spit away."

done wrong

2006-03-06T11:49:00.000-08:00

perhaps i'm just a freak, but i like to think that everyone feels this way at some point. right now i'm just not myself. nothing fits, nothing works. i'm in a funk and i don't know how to get out of it. but what scares me is that i fear i may be becoming truly bitter.

this weekend i met a man through a friend of a friend. older, outgoing, intelligent, outofmyleagueattractive, funny (thought i was funny), good taste in music/books/film, etc. a nice enough guy, probably a very nice guy, but all i could think while talking to him was "liar." he had no reason to be untruthful with me, i had no reason to think that he was. for some reason though, i watched his lips move and did not believe a word that was said. when he tried to relate to me, to be kind, to sympathize my response was "dude, you don't even know me." kind hand extended and my firm refusal time and again. (my thought process essentially went something like this: you are a man, this is your job. get me to drop my guard and then sucker punch me. nice try but no thanks.)

i think sometimes i pride myself on not being fully understood. i like to pretend i'm complex and unique and intriguing. but i don't want to be so complex that i don't even understand myself. unfortunately, that's where i am right now.

seriously this is getting ridiculous

2006-03-04T09:06:00.000-08:00

i love my friends and i'm very happy for them, but if one more person gets engaged i'm going to have to gouge my eyes out.

you're only as loud as the noises you make

2006-02-28T17:35:00.000-08:00

2 stories:

1. my dad flew home from a meeting in florida last night and got bumped up to first class. according to him, the best part about it was that his travelling companion and colleague was stuck in coach. so like a badass, midway through the flight my dad walked back to his friend with a glass of wine and said "i can't believe it, there's some lady up there who thinks she can play the piano AND sing at the same time."

2. spring break is less than two weeks away and i'm realizing just how much i will miss my kids next year. even with all the difficulties and trials, i feel extremely lucky to be working with this group of students. some of these little ones just touch my soul in a way that makes my life feel truly meaningful. next year will be difficult without my little girl who comes into my room every morning just to say hi and wish me a good day. or my brilliant little goth boy who has an amazing sense of humor and will do absurdly beautiful things with his life. or my girl in 7th period red days who has instructed me in the finer points of having "a black mama." forget that, i'll miss my entire 7th period red day class. or my boys who come in after lunch repeating "miss maaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaan" over and over until i think i'll scream. or the kids who try to get me to do the heel toe. or my kids who initiated me into their gang "the smilies." or my entirely too polite little boy with a heart-melting sense of innocence who calls himself T3.

anyway, the past two weeks they really have been one of the biggest sources of joy in my life. even today when i felt like i was teaching preschool instead of high school, it was a motherly frustration that pulled me through. i know next year will bring new joys, but i will never forget my first 130 kids.

why she's my best friend...

2006-02-24T14:47:00.000-08:00

It's difficult, at times, to see the light through the dark. It's difficult to look at all of the wonderful, beautiful things that life has to offer us when going through a heartache. So I will remind you:
You are Martha Anne.
You are beautiful.
You are loved by God.
You have an amazing family that will support and love you for the rest of your life.
You have an even more amazing friend named Tess who is here to remind you just how much you mean to her:)
You are a teacher and role model to lots of little thugs who don't have that beauty, care, and love at home.
You are ambitious, and that drive will take you wherever you want to go in life...so long as it's not too far away from me.
You are a truly wonderful and selfless friend
You are far better off w/o someone who makes you cry and makes you wish for something more.
You are beautiful.
I hope that these helped...even if only for a minute b/c no one deserves your tears. God doesn't put us through situations unless He knows we will make it to the other side. And you will. Maybe not today. But you will, because you are Marfa.
I love you, Tessie

unrequited

2006-02-23T15:05:00.000-08:00

my life this week has consisted of work, angry chick music, extreme emotions and sleep. monday night i ended a relationship that was entirely confusing (complicated was his favorite word) and emotionally draining. there never was true certainy on where we stood, just that we were not a real couple. however, i had shared more of myself with this guy than i have with any other member of the male sex. i felt that he understood me better than the vast majority of people. i let my guard down and opened myself up to him freely. as usual, that turned out to be a mistake on my part. after a discussion about our opposing views of the future of the relationship, i decided that we were only headed towards my broken heart...a shorter trip than i realized at the time.

in a overwhemingly difficult but brilliant move, i've cut off all contact with him. that step is never easy. i find myself staring at my phone, willing him to call. sadly, i have still failed to develop that skill.

i think the toughest part of all this is that it makes me want to build up even larger walls around myself. i've gone through all this before, but the pain increases every time and this is no different. God have mercy on any guy who tries to connect with me now. the chip has been placed firmly back on my shoulder and i'm not quite sure when it will come back down. sometimes i think that old saying "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" was written by someone who had done neither. losing a best friend is not something you quickly heal from, but i'm learning to try.